Best Seinfeld Quotes EVER!
Nearly every single Seinfeld episode has given viewers scores of favorite Seinfeld quotes that never seem to lose their charm. If you’re looking for a collection of the best Seinfeld TV quotes, Jerry Seinfeld quotes, or Kramer quotes, you’ve come looking in the right place!
The Best of Seinfeld Quotes
Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty. –Kramer
If you know what happened in the Mets game don't tell me, I taped it. Hello? – Jerry Seinfeld
It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I've made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat - it's all been wrong.
– George Costanza
I'm not a lesbian. I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian. –Elaine Benes
Yo Yo Ma. –Kramer
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. –Jerry Seinfeld
You have the chicken, the hen, and the rooster. The chicken goes with the hen... So who is having sex with the rooster? –Frank Costanza
The cat - mrrreeeooowww - is out of the bag! –Kramer
Good for you, Jack! – Gary Fogel
Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it. – George Costanza
Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia? – George Costanza
We don't know how long this will last. They are a very festive people. –Elaine Benes
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me. –Jerry Seinfeld
You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect. – George Costanza
If you're not gonna be a part of a civil society, then just get in your car and drive on over to the East Side. –Kramer
I'm speechless. I have no speech. –George Costanza
Jerry: You will be stunned.
Elaine: Stunned by soup?
Jerry: You can't eat this soup standing up. Your knees buckle.
George Costanza: I want to make a good entrance. I never makes good entrances.
Jerry: You have made some good exits.
All right, hey, you've been great! See you at the cafeteria. –Jerry Seinfeld
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
I have been performing feats of strength all morning. – Frank Costanza
I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham. – George Costanza
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
I'm on the Mexican, whoa oh oh, radio. –Kramer
I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think "That's why I'm not a heterosexual." –George Costanza
Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. –George Costanza
George Costanza: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.
Just remember, when you control the mail, you control... information. –Newman
I don't trust the guy. I think he regifted, then he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super bowl sex romp. –Jerry Seinfeld
I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. –George Costanza
Mr. Ross: I don't think there's any greater tragedy than when parents outlive their children.
George Costanza: Yes, I hope my parents die long before I do.
Jerry: George Costanza... Is getting *married*!
Elaine: Get out!
Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. –Jerry Seinfeld
Let's watch them slice this fat bastard up. –Jerry Seinfeld
Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment? –Kramer
See, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies sitting around chewing gum. –Kramer
Jerry: What the hell is that crap?
Kramer: It's Pagliacci, Jerry.
Puddy: Well, I've got a ten kroner, a five kroner, a twenty kroner. A fifty kroner? How much is that?
Elaine: We have to break up.
George Costanza: You've got to apologize.
George Costanza: Because it’s the mature and adult thing to do.
Jerry: How does that affect me?
Jerry: Is that your "chicken" making all that noise?
Kramer: Oh, Little Jerry loves the morning.
Kramer: Little Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah I named my chicken after you.
The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. –Kramer
Kramer: C’mon, what’d you say?
You know, it's so nice when it happens good. –Jerry Seinfeld
He fires people like it's a bodily function! –George Costanza
Here's to feeling good all the time. –Kramer
Kramer: Well, I've got gonorrhea.
Elaine: That seems about right.
I'll be back. We'll make out. –David Puddy
You very bad man, Jerry. Very bad man. – Babu Bhatt
Ah, look, I? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a US postal worker and my mail truck was just ambushed by a band of backwoods mail-hating survivalists. –Newman
George Costanza: You're gonna over-dry your laundry.
Jerry: You can't over-dry.
George Costanza: Why not?
Jerry: Same reason you can't over-wet.
Elaine: Why does everything have to be so... jokey with you?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.