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The Suicide
Broadcast: 29 Jan 92 [Jerry’s Apartment] JERRY: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life? ELAINE: Na. JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out for dinner in ten minutes. ELAINE: Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days? [buzzer] JERRY: Yeah. GEORGE: It’s George. JERRY: Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. You’ve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that? ELAINE: I don’t know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers? JERRY: I think I’ll take out the garbage. ELAINE: Hey, have you ever fasted? JERRY: Well, once I didn’t have dinner until, like 9:00 o’clock, that was pretty rough. [exits to hall with garbage – meets George] Hey, do me a favour will ya’? Throw out my garbage for me. GEORGE: Yeah, right. JERRY: Come on, it’s just down the hall. GEORGE: Give me two bucks. I’ll do it for two bucks. JERRY: I’ll give you 50 cents. GEORGE: There’s no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars. JERRY: Come on. Fifty cents. <??> a piece of Drake’s coffee cake GEORGE: You’re not getting no Drake’s Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, I’m all set. I got the ticket. I’m going to the Cayman Islands this Friday. JERRY: I don’t get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven? GEORGE: It’s an incredible deal. I don’t know why you don’t come with me. JERRY: Nah, I don’t go for these non-refundable deals. I can’t commit to a woman. I’m not going to commit to an airline. [Gina enters the hall] GINA: Hi. JERRY: Hi. GINA: How are you? JERRY: Gina, do you know what a Drake’s Coffee Cake is? GINA: Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. JERRY: How much do they cost? GINA: The junior? GEORGE: No, no the full size. JERRY: No, no the junior. GEORGE: You didn’t say "junior". GINA: I haven’t had one of those since I was a little girl. JERRY: Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! [MARTIN enters the hall] How ya’ doing? MARTIN: Good enough. [MARTIN leaves with Gina] JERRY: Boy she’s sexy isn’t she? [Jerry leaves garbage bag by Kramer’s apartment and knocks on the door. As he and George enter Jerry’s apartment Kramer comes out and takes the garbage bag.] JERRY: Do you believe that guy? ELAINE: What guy? JERRY: My neighbour: ELAINE: Oh, that creepy guy? JERRY: Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her? GEORGE: He didn’t seem too pleased. ELAINE: Maybe I’ll get a steak with french fried onion wings. GEORGE: hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing. JERRY: What’s so amazing? You’ve seen him before. GEORGE: I haven’t seen him for months. JERRY: What was the dream? GEORGE: I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off. JERRY: I think I’ve played there. GEORGE: I’ve had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me. JERRY: You’re a little paranormal ELAINE: Hey, George, you know my friend goes to a psychic. GEORGE: Really? ELAINE: Uh uh, you should go some time. GEORGE: I’d love to go. Make an appointment. JERRY: Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job? GEORGE: I just got fired. JERRY: Alright, come on, lets get out of here. ELAINE: I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast. JERRY: I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. ELAINE: Really? JERRY: Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits. [They exit] [Jerry’s apartment late at night there is knocking at the door] JERRY: Who is it? Who is it? GINA: It’s Gina. JERRY: Who? GINA: Martine’s girl friend. JERRY: Martine? GINA: You next door neighbour. JERRY: Oh, Martin! [Jerry opens door] GEORGE: It’s Martine. I think he’s dying. He tried to kill himself with pills. JERRY: What? GINA: Come on. JERRY: In my pajamas? I better get my robe. GINA: We don’t have enough time. JERRY: It’ll take two seconds. GINA: There is no time. JERRY: We don’t have two seconds? GINA: All right. Go ahead. JERRY: Nah, forget it. GINA: No, go ahead. JERRY: Nah. I’ll just wear the pajamas. GINA: Will you just get it. JERRY: Are you sure? GINA: Forget it. Come on. JERRY: Nah, I’ll go get the robe. [Metropolitan Hospital Center] JERRY: That’s not too bad. It’s not like a Sunny von Bulow comma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. GINA: You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore. JERRY: Really? It’s over? GINA: I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a man’s hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy. JERRY: Oh boy, did he say anything about me? GINA: He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drake’s Coffee Cake. JERRY: He said that? GINA: He was screaming about it all night. How it’s too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. JERRY: I’m sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly. GINA: I wasn’t. JERRY: You weren’t? GINA: No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me? JERRY: Of course. GINA: Tell me everything. JERRY: Are you sure he can’t hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN. GINA: I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him. JERRY: I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how they’re going to look at a thing like this. GINA: I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead. JERRY: No, I just wanted to see what time it was. GINA: Are you afraid of him? JERRY: No. GINA: Then kiss me. JERRY: Here? GINA: Yes, right here. JERRY: Is this the proper venue? GINA: You don’t want to? JERRY: No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to. GINA: Then kiss me right in front of him. JERRY: I can’t. What if he wakes up? GINA: A man is lying here unconscious and you’re afraid of him? What kind of a man are you? JERRY: A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guy’s got a coma going like this … you don’t want to mess with it. [Jerry’s apartment] KRAMER: Hey. JERRY: Hey. KRAMER: Did you hear about Martin? JERRY: Yeah, I heard. KRAMER: I can’t believe he’s in a coma. KRAMER: He’s got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do? JERRY: Who told you about Martin? KRAMER: Newman! He’s good friends with him. Jx; Oh, big mouth Newman. I should have guessed. KRAMER: He’s got all of my attachments, you know. JERRY: Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? KRAMER: What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian? JERRY: You know I don’t get that whole suicide machine. There’s no tall buildings where these people live? They can’t wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? KRAMER: So what’s going on between you and Gina? JERRY: Well, I went with her to the hospital last night. KRAMER: Uh, uh. JERRY: So we’re in the room and she’s trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. KRAMER: Uh, uh, you see that’s the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do? JERRY: Nothing. KRAMER: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don’t have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? JERRY: I didn’t know what the coma etiquette was. KRAMER: There is no coma etiquette. You see that’s the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn’t matter what you do around it. JERRY: So you’re saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it’s all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. KRAMER: I’d give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can’t get out of it in 24 hours, it’s a land rush. JERRY: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he’s thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there’s nothing left? KRAMER: NOTHING LEFT! That’s why I’m trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody’s going to grab it. [The psychic’s apartment] RULA: Martin’s spirit came to you as a warning. ELAINE: Why would he come to George? RULA: Because George has heightened extra sensory perception. FAYGY GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE. GEORGE: I knew it. I always felt different. RULA: You are. Some coffee cake? GEORGE: Drakes? RULA: Yes. GEORGE: Did you buy this for me? RULA: No, why? GEORGE: Ha, because I love Drake’s Coffee Cake. RULA: Maybe I did. ELAINE: Take it away. GEORGE: She hasn’t eaten in two days. RULA: Who’s Pauline? GEORGE: Pauline? . . . Wait a minute. I got it. My brother once impregnated a woman named Pauline. RULA: Do you think about her? GEORGE: When I hear her name mentioned. RULA: Cut these with your left hand. GEORGE: There was a woman, Audrey. She had a very big nose. RULA: I see an Audrey, but with a small nose. GEORGE: Yes, yes, she had a nose job. I loved her very deeply. Will she ever speak to me again? RULA: Not in this life. ELAINE: Should you be smoking? RULA: Does it bother you? ELAINE: You’re pregnant. GEORGE: Elaine. RULA: I smoked when I had Faisy. RULA: Ah oh. GEORGE: Ah oh? What? What Ah oh? RULA: I don’t know about this trip George. GEORGE: You can see the Cayman Islands in there? Is something going to happen to me? What? ELAINE: It’s really bad for the fetus. Do you know that. GEORGE: Elaine, she’s a psychic. She knows how the kid’s going to be. GEORGE: Should I not go on this trip? RULA: George, I am going to tell you something and I want you to really hear me. ELAINE: Now listen. I just don’t know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. GEORGE: Elaine, what are you doing? ELAINE: It’s disgusting. RULA: I DON’T BELIVE IT. I would like you both to leave. ELAINE: Oh fine, I don’t like to be around people who are just so irresponsible. RULA: Get the hell out. [Elaine leaving] RULA: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando. GEORGE: If you don’t say anything I will assume it’s a plane crash. RULA: Get out. GEORGE: Not a plane crash. [leaving] Is it a plane crash? [Jerry’s apartment] GINA: I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles. JERRY: You can say what you want about me but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. GINA: It is too small for someone with such a big mouth [kisses Kerry]. Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse? JERRY: No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie. GINA: Who are these Stooges you speak of? JERRY: They’re a comedy team. GINA: Tell me about them. Everything. JERRY: Well, they’re three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. GINA: You will show me The Stooges? JERRY: I will show you The Stooges. GINA: When? JERRY: Well, I don’t really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know. GINA: Come, you walk me to a cab. JERRY: Well, uh, I uh, I don’t want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe it’s not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here. GINA: You’re still afraid. You are not a man. JERRY: Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet? GINA: Are you going to walk me to a cab or not? JERRY: Yeah, all right. All right. [Jerry and Gina meet Kramer and leaving his apartment with Newman] KRAMER: You should just eat fruit. NEWMAN: I can’t eat fruit. It makes me incontinent. KRAMER: ??? NEWMAN: Hello Gina. Hello Jerry. JERRY: Hello Newman. [Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway] JERRY: Do you think Newman would tell Martin if he wakes up? What kind of sicko would do that? He could kill me. GEORGE: People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn’t hurt me. ELAINE: [jumps with fear to Jerry] Did you see that wall move? JERRY: Boy, it’s a good thing we came. GEORGE: Could there be a native p0roblem in the Caymans? Maybe there’s native unrest. ELAINE: Hi, I haven’t eaten in three days. I was wondering how much longer it would be until I get my X-ray. Nurse: We’ll call you. JERRY: George, I want you to promise me something. If I’m ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. GEORGE: How come? JERRY: Looters. ELAINE: How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it? JERRY: She’s really hungry. [Kramer enters] KRAMER: Hey. ELAINE: Kramer KRAMER: Well, Newman’s upstairs visiting Martin. GEORGE: Would you buy my Cayman Island ticket? KRAMER: You’re not going? GEORGE: No. KRAMER: Why not? GEORGE: The psychic said something terrible will happen. KRAMER: I dig. [Metropolitan Hospital Center - Martin’s room] KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! I know you can hear me. Look my mother, she’s going to come and visit me. She sees that rug, she’s going to kill me. W: He can’t hear you, you idiot. Why don’t you just buy another one. KRAMER: Why would I buy another one when I spent a hundred bucks on this one? W: I have a carpet sweeper you can use. KRAMER: I don’t want a carpet sweeper. They don’t do anything. W: It gets my rug clean. KRAMER: The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing. W: Well, you should take a look at my rug then. KRAMER: I wouldn’t set foot in your house. [Jerry enters] JERRY: Hello. NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. JERRY: How’s he doing? KRAMER: He looks happy to me. NEWMAN: I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up. JERRY: Why wouldn’t he? NEWMAN: No reason. JERRY: He’ll have a lot of catching up to do, I guess. NEWMAN: I’ll bring him up to date. JERRY: How up to date? NEWMAN: Oh, all the way up. JERRY: And nothing could change your mind? NEWMAN: Well, it would take a hell of a lot. Because a friend is something you earn. KRAMER: Okay, Jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the Cayman Islands for this weekend. He’s not going. NEWMAN: I don’t care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,.. JERRY: Drake’s Coffee Cake NEWMAN: Wow, where did you get that? JERRY: From my house. I got a whole box of them. NEWMAN: Boy, that’s the full size. JERRY: That’s your big boy. NEWMAN: Can I have a bite? JERRY: I don’t give out bites. I got another one. But I’m saving it for later. NEWMAN: Just one bite? JERRY: I don’t think so. You know they, they’re so fragile. NEWMAN: All right! All right. I won’t say anything. JERRY: You swear? NEWMAN: I swear. JERRY: On your mother’s life? NEWMAN: On my mother’s life. KRAMER: oh oh oh oh oh NEWMAN: Oooh, [Metropolitan Hospital Center - Hallway] ELAINE: And there it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. [George sees the Psychic’s girl, Faisy and follows her into the Psychic’s room]] GEORGE: …sweetheart, no come here, … sweetheart RULA: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing) GEORGE: how did I know you were here? Something drew me here. This is phenomenal. RULA: The nurse said she would be right back. They’re supposed to take me into the delivery room. GEORGE: Oh, that’s great. That’s great. By the way I have to apologize for my friend the other day. Friend? Uh, uh I don’t even know that woman. I met her on the bus on the way over. I couldn’t get rid of her. Uh, My psychic instincts were a little off .. RULA: Oh, where’s the nurse GEORGE: I don’t know where the nurse is. Sweetheart why don’t you get a nurse for mommy? … Anyway I was just curious. Remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. RULA: Don’t take that trip. GEORGE: Yeah, why? Why? RULA: <screams> EEEY, beegit, beegit beegit. [Doctor enters] Dx: All right, Rula, it’s time to go. GEORGE: Because? Because? [Elaine enters Martins room] ELAINE: Assassins! How dare they keep a person waiting like this! … Drake’s Coffee Cake? … Give me that. NEWMAN: Jerry, you better stop her or I’ll tell. JERRY: Elaine! No! No! MARTIN: Ooooh, ahhhh, [In hallway as they wheel Rula to give birth] GEORGE: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus? [Martin’s room – Martin grabbing Jerry – Elaine eating the Drake’s Coffee Cake] NEWMAN: He did it right in this bed, Martin. Right in front of you. KRAMER: I want my vacuum cleaner! JERRY: Hey! NEWMAN: It was disgusting. [Jerry’s apartment] JERRY: What are you doing? We’re going out to dinner in ten minutes. GEORGE: I never assisted in a birth before. It’s really quite disgusting. JERRY: What did she name the kid? GEORGE: You wouldn’t believe it. Rasputin. [Kramer enters] KRAMER: Heey! GEORGE: Hey. JERRY: Hey. GEORGE: when did you get back? KRAMER: A couple of hours ago. GEORGE: So how was it? KRAMER: George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life. JERRY: osh. KRAMER: They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool. JERRY: Woah. [hitting George] KRAMER: Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there. JERRY: Wow! [hitting George] KRAMER: I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson JERRY: Oh! [hitting George] KRAMER: We played Backgammon in the nude. JERRY: Oh! [hitting George] KRAMER: She’s a sweet kid. JERRY: Nude backgammon with swimsuit models! KRAMER: Oh, you know what? The second day I was there I stepped on a jellyfish. Now it kind of stung my foot. That’s probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. GEORGE: Yeah, you gotta’ watch for the jellyfish. KRAMER: Yeah. KRAMER: What’s this? JERRY: Oh, it’s an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina. KRAMER: They moved in together? JERRY: Yeah, it’s some place down in the village. KRAMER: Phew. [buzzer] JERRY: Yeah. ELAINE: It’s Elaine. JERRY: All right we’re coming down. KRAMER: Hey, where ya’ going? JERRY: We’re taking Elaine to dinner. She’s got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go? KRAMER: Um, I’d like to but a bunch of us from the islands, we’ll be getting together. GEORGE: Elle McPherson going to be there? KRAMER: OH! I got to call her back. [Kramer exits] The End
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