Directed by: Andy Ackerman
Broadcasted: December 18, 1997 for the first time.
Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards,
Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston (as Tim Whatley),
Karen Fineman (as Gwen), Estelle Harris (as Estelle), Kevin McDonald (as
Denim Vest), Jerry Stiller (as Frank), and Daniel Von Bargen (as Kruger).
[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment]
ELAINE: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?
JERRY: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze.
(Elaine laughs, Whatley enters)
TIM: Hey! Happy Chanukah!
JERRY: Hey, Tim. Great party.
(Tim holds up a mistletoe)
TIM: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh?
ELAINE: (Shrugging it off) eh.
TIM: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets.
GEORGE: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs)
TIM: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera)
ELAINE: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah.
GEORGE: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves)
ELAINE: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.
JERRY: You have a standard fake?
JERRY: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat.
ELAINE: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man
wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.)
DENIM VEST: Hi!
(Scene cuts to Jerry talking to the woman)
JERRY: Hi, I'm Jerry.
WOMAN: Hi. JERRY: You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast.
(Scene cuts to Elaine)
ELAINE: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons
DENIM VEST: They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time?
ELAINE: Why don't I give you my phone number?
[Setting: Coffee Shop]
JERRY: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
GEORGE: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.
JERRY: Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
GEORGE: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing: "We don't care, and it shows."
JERRY: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
GEORGE: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next
envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.
JERRY: See? You give, and you get.
GEORGE: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."?
JERRY: Oh, that's nice.
GEORGE: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!"
JERRY: To a children's charity!
GEORGE: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!
(Waitress moves tward the table)
ELAINE: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later.
JERRY: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there?
ELAINE: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.
JERRY: What does that mean?
ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub.
(George lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)
GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it..
JERRY: When George was growing up..
GEORGE: (Interrupting) Jerry, No!
JERRY: His father..
JERRY: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
ELAINE: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
GEORGE: (pleading) Alright..
JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?
(Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably - and continues to do so)
GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!
JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
(Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)
GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
(Elaine is digging into her purse)
ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
ELAINE: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
JERRY: No, you walk out.
ELAINE: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
JERRY: No, you wait for the movie!
ELAINE: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.
JERRY: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now.
KRAMER: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean
JERRY: So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?
ELAINE: That's a good idea.
(Kramer's cordless phone rings, startling him. He digs through his coat, and pulls it out of the pocket)
KRAMER: (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
JERRY: What strike?
KRAMER: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
KRAMER: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
ELAINE: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
KRAMER: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
ELAINE: What were your.. demands?
KRAMER: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
ELAINE: I believe that's the new minimum wage.
KRAMER: Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)
JERRY: Why didn't you ever mention this?
KRAMER: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends)
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
(Kramer walks through the door)
KRAMER: All right, everybody! I'm back!
MANAGER: Who are you?
KRAMER: Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over.
MANAGER: Oh yeah! Kramer.
KRAMER: Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?
MANAGER: NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago.
KRAMER: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for..
MANAGER: I could use someone for the holidays..
KRAMER: Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those?
MANAGER: Those are rasin bagels.
KRAMER: (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that..
[Setting: Horse Track Betting]
(Elaine confronts two unattractive bookies)
ELAINE: So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake.
BOOKIE: So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years.
ELAINE: So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number..
BOOKIE: (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.
(Co-Worker in the back speaks up)
CHARLIE: Elaine Benes?!
(Various other men in the line behind Elaine say the same thing)
BOOKIE: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
CHARLIE: (faintly) I'm a man.
ELAINE: Ohh.. my..
BOOKIE: I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down)
ELAINE: My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the
board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont.
[Setting: classy restaurant]
(Jerry and Tim Whatley meet)
TIM: Hey, Jerry.
JERRY: Hey, Tim.
TIM: What's up?
JERRY: Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party.
TIM: Mazel Tov.
(Jerry's date, Gwen, arrives. She's completely unattractive)
GWEN: Jerry.. hi.
JERRY: (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
GWEN: Yeah! Come on, our table is ready.
(Tim gives Jerry a face - almost like he feels sorry for Jerry)
[Setting: Jerry's apartment]
GEORGE: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?
JERRY: Have you come across this?
GEORGE: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.
JERRY: (Relating) Like the Batman villain?
GEORGE: (Annoyed) If that helps you..
JERRY: So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up: The good, the bad, or the ugly.
GEORGE: (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!
GEORGE: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)
JERRY: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that?
GEORGE: (With pride) Made it up.
JERRY: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people."
GEORGE: What do you think?
JERRY: It has a certain understated stupidity.
GEORGE: (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!
(He is holding a sack full of bagels)
KRAMER: Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!
JERRY: How was your first day?
KRAMER: Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.
(Jerry and George stop before they take a bite from their bagels)
JERRY: Your hands were in the dough?
KRAMER: No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George
stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test.
(George spits his bagel out)
GEORGE: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)
JERRY: Happy Festivus!
KRAMER: What's Festivus?
JERRY: When George was growing up..
GEORGE: (Interrupting) No!
JERRY: His father..
GEORGE: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
(Elaine enters while George is exiting)
ELAINE: Happy Festivus, Georgie.
(George leaves yelling out "God!")
KRAMER: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
ELAINE: Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.
JERRY: You're still trying to gget that free sub?
ELAINE: Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.
JERRY: Is there a captain's hat involved in this?
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
FRANK: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
KRAMER: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
FRANK: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized
there had to be another way!
KRAMER: What happened to the doll?
FRANK: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
KRAMER: That musta been some kind of doll.
FRANK: She was.
[Setting: Kruger Office Building]
(George is in the hallway, dispensing his made-up gifts)
GEORGE: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card)
SANDY: (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off)
(George passes an open doorway)
GEORGE: Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil)
(George meets up with Kruger)
GEORGE: Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card)
KRUGER: Not if you could see our books.. what's this?
GEORGE: The Human Fund.
KRUGER: Whatever. (Walks off)
GEORGE: Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica!
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
(Frank is still telling Kramer about Festivus)
FRANK: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
KRAMER: Is there a tree?
FRANK: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting.
KRAMER: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
FRANK: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine)
ELAINE: Hello, Frank.
FRANK: Hello, woman. (leaves)
ELAINE: Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest?
KRAMER: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
MANAGER: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
KRAMER: But it's Festivus.
KRAMER: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays..
MANAGER: That's not a right.
KRAMER: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out!
ELAINE: No, I got to stay here and wait for the call.
KRAMER: What? You're siding with management?!
ELAINE: No, I just..
KRAMER: (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab!
[Setting: Taxi Cab]
(Gwen joins Jerry in the cab. She's in her attractive state)
JERRY: Boy, am I glad to see you.
GWEN: You were expecting someone else?
JERRY: You never know.
GWEN: (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.
JERRY: So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?
(All the sudden, Gwen is extremely ugly)
GWEN: I can go either way.
JERRY: (Shocked) You're telling me.
[Setting: the Coffee Shop]
GEORGE: So, she was switching? Back and forth?
JERRY: Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there.
GEORGE: So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.
JERRY: I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?
GEORGE: Lights out.
JERRY: Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way.
GEORGE: (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!
JERRY: That's not a french cuff shirt, you know.
GEORGE: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.
JERRY: Oh, that's classy.
(Frank and Kramer enter. Frank is dragging an aluminum pole)
KRAMER: Well, Happy Festivus.
GEORGE: What is that? Is taht the pole?!
FRANK: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are.
GEORGE: (Sulking) That's why I hate it.
KRAMER: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited.
FRANK: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating
Festivus is heard)
FRANK: Read that poem.
GEORGE: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses!
FRANK: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak!
ESTELLE: Leave him alone!
FRANK: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength.
(George has a break down)
GEORGE: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus!
FRANK: We had some good times.
(Gwen walks in, and greets Jerry. She's in her unattractive state)
JERRY: I there. This is Kramer, and Frank.
KRAMER: (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello.
GWEN: So, you ready to go?
JERRY: Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
(Kramer is picketing out side.)
KRAMER: Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant)
(Cut to inside the store)
MANAGER: (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich.
ELAINE: (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine.
KRAMER: (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down.
ELAINE: What did you do?
KRAMER: You've been warned.
(Elaine looks out the window, and sees Kramer at the pay phone)
ELAINE: Oh, hi! (Waves at him)
(Steam starts coming from a pipe on the machine. Elaine hangs up)
WORKER: Hey, the steam valve's broke.
MANAGER: Can we still make bagels?
WORKER: Sure. It's just a little steamy.
(Kramer knocks on the shop door)
KRAMER: Hey! How do you like your bagels now?!
(No one inside seems to care. Kramer waits by the door to see if anyone was affected)
[Setting: Kruger Building]
KRUGER: George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all
seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George)
GEORGE: 20 thousand dollars?
KRUGER: Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home.
[Setting: Coffee Shop]
GWEN: Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?
JERRY: Why? It's our place.
GWEN: I just found a rubber band in my soup.
JERRY: Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
GEORGE: Hey! Surprise, surprise!
JERRY: Hey, Georgie!
GWEN: I think I'm just gonna go.
JERRY: I'll be here.
GEORGE: (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.
JERRY: She didn't touch it.
(George spoons through his soup, and finds a rubber band)
GEORGE: Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)
JERRY: 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
GEORGE: I don't know.
JERRY: Excuse me?
GEORGE: I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.
JERRY: You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
GEORGE: I'm serious.
JERRY: You're going to start your own charity?
GEORGE: I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and
beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver..
[Setting: Outside H&H Bagels]
(Kramer is chanting 'no bagels, no bagels..' Elaine walks out, her make-up is distorted, and her face is pale because of the steam)
ELAINE: Kramer, the vest just called.
KRAMER: (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night!
ELAINE: Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card.
ELAINE: (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya.
(Gwen walks by, she's in her ugly state)
GWEN: Kramer, Hi!
KRAMER: Oh, hello.
GWEN: It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop.
GWEN: I'm dating your friend, Jerry..
KRAMER: Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller.
GWEN: That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught.
KRAMER: Oh, he's a tomcat.
(Cut to Elaine)
(She meets up with Denim Vest on the street corner)
DENIM VEST: Hmm?
ELAINE: It's Elaine.
DENIM VEST: From Tim Whatley's party?
DENIM VEST: You look.. different.
ELAINE: I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you?
DENIM VEST: Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something.
ELAINE: No, no, no. You give me your number.
DENIM VEST: Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps?
DENIM VEST: Typhoid?
DENIM VEST: (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama!
(Elaine looks at the number, and sees it's the same as the number on a nearby truck)
ELAINE: A fake number! Blimey!
[Setting: Kruger's office]
KRUGER: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
GEORGE: Well, there could be.
KRUGER: But there isn't.
GEORGE: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out)
KRUGER: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake
GEORGE: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
GEORGE: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
KRUGER: Are you making all this up, too?
GEORGE: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to.
KRUGER: Yeah, you probably should.
[Setting: The Costanza's house]
GEORGE: Happy Festivus!
FRANK: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit?
GEORGE: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger.
FRANK: Have you seen the pole, Kruger?
GEORGE: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole.
FRANK: He's gonna see it.
(Enter Jerry and Elaine. Elaine is still ugly from the steam)
GEORGE: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama!
ELAINE: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here?
GEORGE: Embracing my roots.
JERRY: They nailed you on the 20 G's?
GEORGE: Busted cold.
(Cut to Kruger and Frank)
(They're looking at the Festivus pole)
FRANK: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio.
KRUGER: I find your belief system fascinating.
(Kramer's with the two bookies from Horse Track Betting)
KRAMER: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee!
BOOKIE: Hello again, Miss Benes.
ELAINE: What are you doing here?
BOOKIE: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place..
KRAMER: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle!
(Estelle comes through the kitchen door, hitting Kramer as she opens it)
ESTELLE: Dinner's ready!
FRANK: Let's begin.
(Everyone sits around the table. Kruger recognized Kramer from "The Meat Slicer" episode..) KRUGER: Dr.. Van Nostrand?
KRAMER: Uh.. that's right.
(Cut to Frank)
FRANK: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear
about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
GEORGE: Oh, God.
FRANK: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought.
(Frank sits down, Jerry gives a face that says "That's a shame". Gwen walks in)
JERRY: Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
GWEN: Kramer told me.
KRAMER: Another Festivus miracle!
(Jerry gives Kramer a death stare. He shuts up. Gwen notices Elaine)
GWEN: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about.
ELAINE: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.
(Gwen leaves, Jerry follows)
JERRY: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch.
ELAINE: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do?
BOOKIE: He had to be shot.
FRANK: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength.
GEORGE: Not the feats of strength..
FRANK: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer.
KRAMER: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.
JERRY: I thought you were on strike?
KRAMER: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there.
GEORGE: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength?
KRUGER: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George?
FRANK: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!
GEORGE: Oh, please, somebody, stop this!
FRANK: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble!
(Cuts to an outside view of the Costanza's house)
ESTELLE: I think you can take him, Georgie!
GEORGE: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!
GEORGE: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle!
FRANK: This is the best Festivus ever!
[Setting: H&H Bagel Shop]
(Kramer is shaping some dough and chewing gum - his gum falls into the dough. He starts looking for the gum, and starts extracting it from the dough. The manger is
MANAGER: Alright. That's enough. You're fired.
KRAMER: Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)
END OF SHOW.