director : Andy Ackerman
writer : Jennifer Crittenden
Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld
Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer
Jason Alexander as George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes
Voice on the phone: Phil Hartman
Elaine at the doctor's
Attendant : The doctor will be with you in a moment .
Elaine looking at her chart
Elaine : Difficult ?
Doctor : Elaine . You shouldn't be reading that . So tell me about this rash
of yours .
Elaine : Well it's , it's ..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my
chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I
remember that appointment exactly . You see this nurse asked me to put a gown
on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I
wouldn't have to put a gown on . You know there made of paper .
Doctor : Well that was a long time ago . How about if I just erase it. Now
about that rash ......
Elaine : But it was in pen . You fake erase .
Doctor : All right Miss Benes . This doesn't look to serious . You'll be fine
Elaine : What are you writing ? Doctor .
George at Photo Shop
Sheila : Here you go .
George : Thanks .
Sheila : I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt .
George : Ohhhhhh
Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment
Jerry : No . All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver .
George : Smile
Jerry : What are you doing ?
George : I meet this women , Sheila . She works down at the one hour photo
pace . She's got this incredible smile . Like she's got extra teeth or something
Jerry : Extra teeth . I love that look .
George : Hey check this out . I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I
hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt ."
Jerry : What mustard stain ?
George : Don't you see . She's looking at my pictures .
Jerry : Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ?
George : That's got nothing to do with it .
Jerry : I see . She's looking .
George : Yesssss .
Kramer : Hey , you got to get this thing fixed .
Jerry : They've tried to fix it . But it keeps coming back the same .
Kramer : Would you like a refund ?
Jerry : Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago .
Kramer : Would you be interested ?
Jerry : Well how are you going .....
Kramer : Would you ?
Jerry : I guess I would .
Kramer : Yeah , yeah .
Elaine walks in
Elaine : You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors
office today .
Jerry : Not the gown again .
Elaine : No , no . I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult . Why
would they write that ?
Jerry : They have gotten to know you .
Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo
Elaine : Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my
George : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult .
Elaine : Oh come on . I'm not difficult . I'm easy .
Jerry : Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys .
Elaine : Listen to me you little shi........
George : Smile .
Elaine at another doctor's office
Doctor : Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown .
Elaine : Oh it's my pleasure . I love these . In fact I got one at home. It's
perfect when you just want to throw something on .
Nurse hands the doctor her chart
Doctor : All rightly . Let me just review your history before we begin .
Elaine : Where did you get my chart ?
Doctor : From your last doctor . It's a standard procedure .
Elaine : You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just .......
Doctor : Okay . Let's take a look . Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll
be fine .
Elaine : Please , please . It's really , really itchy .
Doctor writes more stuff in her chart
Jerry at apartment
Knock , knock
Postal Worker : Seinfeld ?
Jerry : Yeah .
Postal Worker : I got a package for you . Sign here .
Jerry : Who's it from ?
Postal Worker : No return address .
Jerry : What if I don't want it ?
Postal Worker : Are you refusing delivery ?
Jerry : Maybe I am .
Postal Worker : Why would you do that ?
Jerry : I've never done it before .
Postal Worker : Why start now ?
Jerry : Why not ?
Postal Worker : All right .
George walks in
George : Why did you refuse the package . Everybody loves a package .
Jerry : I don't know it was weird . Crazy printing . I don't know who it was
George : What do you think it's a bomb ?
Jerry : It's not totally impossible .
George : Oh the ego on you .
Jerry : Why can't I be bombable ?
George : Who's going to bomb you . An airline for all the stupid little peanut
Jerry : I suppose you think your bombable .
George : Hey . There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of
the way .
Jerry : There's more than a couple .
George : Hey . Check these out . I just picked them up from Sheila. She must
have loved these .
Jerry : You don't have a Mercedes .
George : I know . I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was
Jerry : The driver seems a little put out .
George : No . He was fine with it . Check that out .
Jerry : Is that Burt Reynolds ?
George : Wax Museum .
Jerry : Oh.
George : Oh . What is this ?
Jerry : That's a lot of skin .
George : This must be Sheila from the photo place .
Jerry : You can barely see her face .
George : She must have slipped it in here .
Kramer walks in
Kramer : I I I
George : Photo store Sheila .
Kramer : Well hello Photo store Sheila .
George : All right . I will see you boys later .
Jerry : Where are you going ?
George : To ask her out .
Kramer : No , no . Your not playing the game .
George : What game ?
Kramer : She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is "
Gee I really like your picture . Would you like to go out on a date with me
please . "
George : No good ?
Kramer : George . It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the
dance . She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back .
George : Oh , I don't know .
Kramer : Well as you know I've always been something of a photog .
Jerry : Oh yeah I like this idea .
Outside Uncle Leo's apartment
Uncle Leo : Hey Danny . Hello . How are you ?
Postal Worker Danny : Hey Leo . Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't
except his package .
Uncle Leo : Oh He wants it . He's just trying to be funny . Yeah I'll sign it
George and Elaine in taxi
Elaine : And then he starts writing on my chart .
George : Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like .
Elaine : You can't change your chart . It's your chart .
George : I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time .
Elaine : You are !?!
George : Hey . I've kept the same job for more than two years . It's not luck
. Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ?
Elaine : Yeah . I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card .
George : Oh yeah the nipple . But besides that . How did you feel about
Kramer's work ?
Elaine : Actually I thought he was very professional .
George : So it was a good experience .
Elaine : Oh yeah . In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple
and am using as my health club ID .
George : Nice .
Elaine : Yeah it is nice actually .
Elaine at another doctors
Elaine : I need to see Dr. Burke right away . This rash is spreading.
Attendant : He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy .
Elaine : Oh come on . Have some compassion . Okay well I hope it's contagious
Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck . Soon after Elaine finds her
chart and runs to the elevator
Elaine : Come on . Move . Oh hi Dr. Burke . I didn't know if uh....
Dr. Burke : The chart Miss Benes .
Elaine : Oh please no more .
The doctor writes more stuff in it
Jerry at his apartment
George walks in
Jerry : Hey
George : Where's Kramer ?
Jerry : He went to get some steak sauce . Why ?
George : Personal matter .
Jerry : Hello
Uncle Leo : Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello !
Jerry : Hello Leo . You don't have to yell .
Uncle Leo : I got your package .
Jerry : How did you get my package ?
Uncle Leo : What should I do with it ?
Jerry : I don't know what you should do with it .
George : Tell him to open it .
Jerry : I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.
Uncle Leo : Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The
Macardo . I want you to go see it with me .
Jerry : Open the package Leo .
Uncle Leo : Okay . Opening .
Jerry : Opening .
Elaine and Jerry at apartment
Elaine : So it wasn't a bomb .
Jerry : No , No bomb .
Elaine : Well then what ?
Jerry : Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners . He left the
canister in there and the pilot light was on . The whole thing blew up .
Elaine : But he's okay ?
Jerry : Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything .
He's all smooth now . Look's like a seal .
Elaine on phone
Elaine : Yeah I am still holding .
Jerry opens his package
Jerry : Is this my stereo ?
Kramer walks in
Kramer : Hey you got it .
Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up .
Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I
insured it for $400 .
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund .
Kramer : You can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago .
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?
Kramer : It's just a write off for them .
Jerry : How is it a write off ?
Kramer : They just write it off .
Jerry : Write it off what ?
Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything
Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is .
Kramer : Do you ?
Jerry : No . I don't .
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off .
Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back .
Elaine still on phone
Elaine : What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come
on . I am dying here man . Hello , hello .
Jerry : Still no luck
Kramer leaves with a fan
Elaine : Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman . I am at the end of the alphabet .
Jerry : There's no Zorn or Zoutraph .
Elaine : There on vacation . Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am
Jerry : Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow
Elaine : Dr. Resnick . He's not listed .
Jerry : He's not that good .
Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment
George : Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff .
Kramer : Oh yeah . Elaine was a fun project . I enjoyed working with her .
George : You don't have your own camera .
Kramer : Uh no . Look at this . Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your
George : I feel fat .
Kramer : No, no . You're stoked . The camera loves stokedness . Look were not
going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . The key word is
tasteful . Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy . All
right let's do it . Okay come on . Feel the beat . Feel the beat . You know
you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt .
George : Well do you want me to take it off ?
Kramer : I don't know it's up to you .
George : Do you think it would be better if I did ?
Kramer : It might be . I mean whatever you want .
George : ALL RIGHT !!
Kramer ; That's it George . Come on , come on . Give it to me . Come on ,work
it . Work it . Yeah be a man , be a man .
Jerry leaving apartment
Kramer : You are a lover boy !!
Jerry : Oh yeah . This can't miss .
Elaine sleeping in bed
Elaine : Hello .
Guy : Is this Elaine Marie Benes ?
Elaine : Yes . Who it this ?
Guy : We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the
correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s .
Elaine : Yeah . What is this all about
Guy : Good bye .
Elaine : Hello , hello .
Guy : What ?
Elaine : Oh uh uh ...
Guy : Get off the line . Were trying to make another call .
Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office
Uncle Leo : Elaine . Hello . What are you doing here ?
Elaine : Leo . Has the doctor been in yet ?
Uncle Leo : No . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows .
Elaine : Okay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes
in let me do the talking . Okay .
Dr. Resnick walks in
Dr. Resnick : Leo . I heard you had a little mishap .
Uncle Leo : It was a fireball .
Elaine : I should have never left him alone .
Dr. Resnick : And who are you ?
Elaine : I am his nurse ... Poloma .
Uncle Leo : You're not my nurse .
Elaine : He has good days and bad .
Dr. Resnick : What seems to be the problem ?
Uncle Leo : Are my eyebrows going to grow back ?
Elaine : And he's has a bit of a rash .
Dr. Resnick : Really .
Elaine : Yeah .
Dr. Resnick : Well there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you
excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment .
Elaine : I don't like this , it is to easy .
Uncle Leo : Elaine ...
Elaine : Shut up ! I think he's on to us .
Uncle Leo : Elaine what about my eyebrows ?
Elaine : Shhhhhh . Here .
Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him
Kramer and Jerry at Post Office
Jerry : I don't like this Kramer . Will it be much longer ?
Attendant : I am sorry . It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your
under investigation .
Jerry : Investigation ?
Newman : Hello Jerry .
Jerry : Hello Newman .
Newman : Kramer you might as well run along . Jerry might be a while .
Suspicion of mail fraud .
Kramer : Mail fraud . Your in a lot of trouble buddy .
Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office
Dr. Resnick : I got your ointment . Where's your nurse ?
Uncle Leo : She left .
Dr. Resnick : No need to get angry . Calm down .
Uncle Leo : I am calm .
Dr. Resnick : Leo I don't care for your demeanor .
Uncle Leo : Demeanor ?
Dr. Resnick : Now your just being difficult .
Uncle Leo : What are you writing ?
George at photo store
George : So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday .
Sheila : I am glad George .
George : And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy .
Sheila : Great .
George : Shall we say an hour .
Sheila : Hey Ron I got to go to lunch . Can you do a roll ?
Ron : No problem .
Sheila : By the way . You know that model that is always in here . She's
missing one of her lingerie shots . Have you seen it ?
Ron : No .
Jerry and Newman at the Post Office
Newman : All right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting
that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your
stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping .
Jerry : Define rarely .
Newman : Frequently .
Jerry : Are we about throw here Newman ?
Newman : It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot
Jerry : Actually I am quite comfortable .
Newman : Can I have a sip ?
Jerry : No .
Newman : Not going to play ball . Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all
ready busted .
Jerry : You can't prove anything .
Newman : Is this or is this not your signature ?
Jerry : No in a matter of fact it isn't .
Newman : Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence . Jerry .
Kramer and Elaine at doctor's
Elaine : Get in there . Get chart . Get out . You got it .
Kramer : Yeah let me borrow your scarf .
Elaine : This .
Kramer : Yeah . All right one chart coming up .
Elaine : Okay .
Kramer : Bennette right ?
Elaine : Benes . My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah .
Newman walking down the street
Newman : Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry
Kramer at doctor's
Kramer : I like what you've done with that .
Attendant : May I help you ?
Kramer : Yes , yes . I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic . I need Elaine Benes
chart . She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very
bad very messy .
Attendant : I see and what clinic is that again ?
Kramer : That's correct .
Attendant : Excuse me .
Kramer : From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium .
Attendant : Really ?
Kramer : The Netherlands ?
Elaine : Where's my chart ? Did you get it ?
Kramer : No .
Elaine : What ? What happened ?
Kramer : I don't know . But now they got a chart on me .
George at photo store
Sheila : I don't know where they could be .
George : Can't find them . That's marvelous . The dance continues.
Sheila : Well if I find them I'll call you .
George : And maybe we could go out and do something .
Sheila : Sure .
Ron : Hello .
George : Hi .
Sheila : So the little guy finally asked me out .
Ron : Really ?
Sheila : Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere .
Ron : Oh you know what happened . Some guy from the Post Office confiscated
them . He left his card .
Sheila : Newman ?
George and Jerry at Post Office
George : I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for .
Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen . I am so happy to see you both. There is just
some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out .
Jerry : I'm clean and you know it .
Newman : Clean ? Hardly . This looks like a man that isn't happy with his
stereo performance .
Jerry : Where did you get that ?
George : I think that's one of mine .
Newman : It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam.
Jerry : I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation .
Newman : Yes . It's called mail fraud . Oohhhh . How I've longed for this
moment Seinfeld . The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out
of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you
are . A monster so vile .....
Guy : NEWMAN !!
Newman : There will be a small fine .
Jerry : Okay .
George : Can we go now ?
Newman: Not so fast pretty boy . There is more to this sorted little affair .
Jerry : Oh my god !!
Newman : This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived
mail order pornography ring .As does this one found in the same disturbing
Newman holds up a picture of Ron
George : OH MY GOD !!!
Newman : We have some questions we'd like you to answer .
Jerry : I have some questions of my own .
Sheila walks in
Sheila : Hi . One of your mailmen ....... Oh my god , George !?!
George : Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong
person . He said the key word was tasteful .
Jerry : The timeless art of seduction .
George : SHEILA !!!
<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">