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The Non Fat Yogurt

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shane ( [Shane's AFKN Comedy]

Jerry I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You
know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total
it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the
check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm
doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."

Elaine Hmm!

George Fantastic!

Jerry I told you. How good is this?

George Good.

Jerry How good?

George Very good.

Elaine They got blue berries. And there's real blue berries. What
kind did you get?

Jerry Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and they put it

Elaine Let me test-taste that.

Jerry Huh? Huh?

Elaine Hmm! Rico!

Jerry Suave! And it's non-fat!

George See, how could this not have any fat? It's too good.

Elaine You want to taste mine?

George Oh, you want to taste mine.

Elaine No, I don't.

George Okay, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me
some of yours.

Elaine All right, let's just forget it.

Jerry You know, Kramer's going to clean up on this place.

George What do you mean?

Jerry He invested in it.

George No kidding?

Jerry Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so
*beep*ing good.

Lady Jerry!

Jerry Oh, I'm sorry.

Elaine All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little
bit more, okay?

George Oh, god. Look who's here.

Jerry Who is it?

George This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a
big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.

Jerry Oh, really?

Lloyd Hey, George!

George Hey! Lloyd! My friend Jerry.

L&J Hi!

Lloyd So, I hear you're living back home now?

George Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment.

Lloyd Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place,
huh? Something wrong with your arm?

George Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I bumped my elbow on a
desk and injured something. And now it sort of moves

Lloyd Wow, that's a bitch, huh?

Lloyd So, how are your parents doing?

George Oh, pretty good.

Lloyd This place does some business, huh?

George Yeah, this is my first time here.

Lloyd Hey, she's a doll.

Elaine Hi!

George Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd.

Elaine Hi!

Lloyd Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you.

Elaine Nice to meet you, too!

Lloyd Well, I'm really sorry I got to run now. Well, take it easy,
huh, George?

George Yeah! Yeah.

Elaine Boy, he is really cute!

George He's a jerk.

Jerry He's gone, George.

George All right. All right.

Kramer So, there were a lot of people there, huh?

Jerry Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.

Kramer Yeah.

Jerry They're doing an incredible business.

Kramer Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.

Jerry How did you know?

Kramer Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable
texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.

Jerry Yeah?

Elaine Buzz me.

Jerry Oh. Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed
like ten new minutes.

Kramer Yeah, but did you tape it?

Jerry Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire.
Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your
feet up?

Kramer Yes!

Jerry I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.

Elaine Hey!

Kramer Hey!

Jerry What's the matter?

Elaine Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.

Jerry Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a
person could still make a mistake like that.

Kramer Yow!

Elaine What?

Kramer Well, you're getting heavy. Yeah, you look like you put on
five, ten pounds.

Jerry Kramer!

Kramer I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky
yourself, buddy.

Jerry Me?

Kramer Yeah.

Jerry No.

Elaine Where's your bathroom scale? Oh my god, I've gained seven

Jerry I've gained eight.

Kramer I told you.

Elaine Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7

Jerry How did I gain eight?

Elaine I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I
haven't been eating anything different.

Jerry Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that

Kramer No, no, no. That's hundred percent yogurt.

Jerry Well, how else could this have happened?

Kramer Well, maybe it's the Oreos.

Elaine I don't eat Oreos.

Kramer You don't eat Oreos? The way you break them open?
You're ~ practically having sex with them.

Jerry What about me?

Kramer You? You're getting old.

Jerry Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.

Kramer Oh, guess again, Tubby!

Elaine Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.

Jerry There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of

Elaine Gasp! I've got it.

Kramer What?

Elaine I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.

Kramer Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubby, if that yogurt has fat in it, I
will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.

Jerry Well, let's start the insanity.

Kramer Giddy-up!

Dad Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. You ever see Tommy
Tune dancing?

George No.

Mom I like tap dancing.

Dad Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes.

Mom Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people.

George What's for supper?

Mom Somebody's at the door.

Dad Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier.

Mom Lloyd?

Lloyd Hello, Mrs. Costanza.

Mom Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here.

Dad Hey! Lloyd!

Mom What are you doing here?

Lloyd Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother, and
so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello".

Mom Georgie. Come here and say hello.

Dad How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for
Dinkins now.

Lloyd That's right. Hey, George.

George Hey, Lloyd. How's it going?

Lloyd I ran into George yesterday in the city.

Mom Ow! What's the matter with you?

Lloyd So, uh, how's the arm, huh?

George Oh, it's good. It's good.

Mom What's the matter with your arm?

George Nothing.

Lloyd Oh, his arm moves like this.

Dad Your arm moves like this?

George Yeah.

Dad I never seen your arm move like this.

Mom Me, either.

George Well, it comes and goes.

Dad It's like some kind of a spasm.

Lloyd Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists,
and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for
you. Dr. Dekter.

Mom Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?

Dad You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You
discussed George with the mayor of New York?

Mom Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.

George You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor - there's really
nothing they can do.

Dad Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what
kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?

George All right. All right. I'll go.

Lloyd Well, that's great. And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the

Elaine Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. Okay.
I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have
to drive there.

Jerry And they said they can do it?

Elaine Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.

Jerry All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a

Elaine Hm-hmm.

Lady Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Jerry What?

Lady Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*, *beep*,
*beep*. You know what he said to me five minutes ago?
Where's my *beep*ing cupcake?

Jerry Gee, I'm really sorry.

Lady He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe
you could talk to him?

Jerry I'd be happy to.

Lady Thank you.

Jerry Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's yogurt
at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?

Lady No *beep*ing way!

Lloyd Well, it was very nice seeing you again.

Mom Oh, it was good seeing you.

Lloyd Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw
you with the other day?

George Oh, uh, just a friend of mine.

Mom You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable?

Lloyd She is. She is. How about giving me her number?

George Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it.

Mom She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benice.

Lloyd Oh, great. Thanks a lot!

George Yeah!

Lloyd So long.

Mom Bye! Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he?

Newman Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I
sent her to the back of the line!

Jerry Hello, Newman.

Newman Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And
it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my
whole life! And it's finally here!

Owner Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities
around my son, huh?

Jerry It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.

Elaine I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat,

Owner That's right.

Elaine 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have
any fat.

Owner Yeah, well, there is no fat.

Newman Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends.

Elaine Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!

Jerry How's it doing?

Elaine Not too good.

Kramer Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.

Jerry So what.

Kramer It changes the molecules.

Jerry Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.

Kramer Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.

Jerry You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking

Elaine Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested.

Labbie Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please?

Elaine Yeah. Oh, does it matter if it's melted?

Labbie No! You know, this is going to take a couple of days.

Elaine That's okay.

Kramer Hello, there.

Labbette Hello!

Kramer Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!

Jerry What do you got there?

Labbie Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a
cholesterol work up on it.

Jerry Oh.

Elaine Okay, I'm done.

Labbette It was really nice meeting you.

Kramer Well, the pleasure's all mine.

Jerry You can't take that chemist out.

Kramer Why not?

Jerry Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.

Kramer I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.

Jerry Well, I think the whole thing stinks.

Elaine It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.

Jerry That's enough.

Elaine What?

Jerry Well, with the smells.

George So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor.
He's just trying to humiliate me.

Jerry Uh-huh.

George And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.

Jerry Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office
doing this? He's going to think you're a mental patient.

George I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against.
This is nothing to me. My whole life is a lie.

Elaine Hey!

G&J Hey.

Elaine So, guess who called me.

George Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd?

Elaine We're going out tomorrow night.

George Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell
him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving
involuntarily ever since.

Elaine I can't say that.

George Why not?

Elaine What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy?

George So, you're taking his side?

Elaine No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always
have that between us.

George Already you're marrying this guy?

Elaine You never know.

George All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him.

Elaine All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George?
Every time we see you you're going to be walking around
going like this? Even you can't keep that up.

Jerry No, I believe he can.

Lady Hi!

Jerry Hi!

Lady You know Jerry.

Son Of course, he's the funny *beep*er.

Lady See!

Jerry Listen, Matthew, I want to explain something to you. Now,
cursing is not something that most comedians do.

Son You did it.

Jerry That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it
since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue
cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you
grow up. Excuse me one second.

Elaine You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does.

George Yeah, yeah. Big advisor.

Elaine He tells him which soap to use.

Jerry What the *beep* are you doing? You little piece of *beep*.

Labbette Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard.

Kramer Where's the lights. Whoa!

Labbette How about this?

Kramer Yeah! Bunsen burner. You want a taste? It's Cappuccino.

Labbette It's delicious.

Kramer I hear you.

Labbette Non-fat?

Kramer Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet?

Labbette No.

Kramer Well, this is in case there's a tie!

Elaine Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and
it's kind of got this involuntarily movement. Some sort of a
spasm. So, anyway, you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh?

Lloyd Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire.

Elaine Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for
mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody
should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier.

Lloyd Name tags, hmm?

Elaine Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a
small town.

Lloyd Maybe I'll mention that to him.

Elaine Really? Wow!

Lloyd You sure you don't want any yogurt?

Elaine No, I'm watching my weight.

Lloyd Well, it's nonfat.

Elaine Yeah, so they say.

Lloyd Well, should we go?

Elaine Yeah. Okay.

Elaine Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why?
Because he thinks I'm too fat.

Jerry He said that?

Elaine No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm
around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on
one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a
lot of woman!"

Kramer Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?

Jerry No, but I expect to hear anytime.

Kramer Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Jerry Why do you say that?

Kramer No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins?

Elaine No. What about him?

Kramer You didn't hear?

Elaine Un-huh.

Kramer He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear
name tags.

Jerry Name tags?

Kramer Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another.
Jerry Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw
wilding today? Herb!"

Kramer He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has
already stated it could cost him the election. Name tags!

Jerry Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay, thank you
very much. Bye-bye. Well, the yogurt verdict is in. Fat!

Kramer Yeow!

George The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. I
can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, oh!

Doctor Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you.

George Please, doctor.

Doctor I've examined you.

George Yes.

Doctor I've looked at your X-rays.

George Uh-huh.

Doctor And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

George Hmm. Really? Nothing?

Doctor Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.

George Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

Doctor No, not really.

George How so?

Doctor May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

George Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see
doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's
absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person
would do a thing like that?

Doctor I don't know what kind of a person would do something like
that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person.
A person who has no regard for wasting other people's
valuable time. Good-bye.

George Now, see here, doctor.

Doctor I said, good-bye.

George Fine. Ow!

Elaine Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.

Jerry Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to
be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey,
look, wait a second, Kramer, turn that up.

Kramer Okay.

News Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received
some startling news today when his cholesterol count turned
out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the
minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another
development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd
Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag
fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy
Giuliani is about to make a statement.

Giuliani It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I
normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I
exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that
I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.

Jerry Yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even
know it.

Elaine Now look what you've done.

Jerry Well, we've got to do something. I'm calling Giuliani's

George Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks
anybody would be interested in an idea like that.

Dad I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags.
Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are
you doing, Joe?" Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought
you said it went away.

George I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. And . . .

Mom Be quiet. They're starting the press conference.

Giuliani My campaign staff has received some very disturbing
information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being
sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm
elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a
special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you,
my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do
everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat

Jerry The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.

George Phew!

Elaine Oh, it stinks.

Kramer Mine, too. I got one more day.

Jerry I can't eat this.

Newman Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.

Jerry It had fat in it, it's not good for you.

Newman I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to
interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get
even with you for this. You can count on it.

Elaine Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. Apparently
some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his
cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially
reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt
scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the
election for the Republican. It was the one issue which
seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.

Jerry So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election.

Elaine I wonder what actually happened in that lab.

Kramer Yeah, me, too.

Newman I can't eat this.

Boy Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*!