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The Merv Griffin Show

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Jerry - Jerry Seinfeld

George - Jason Alexander

Kramer - Michael Richards

Elaine - Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Newman - Wayne Knight

Celia -Julia Pennington

Miranda - Arabella Field

Jim Fowler- himself

Lou - Brent Hinkley

J. Peterman - John O' Hurley

Walter - Wayne Wilderson

Written by: Bruce Eric Kaplan Directed by: Andy Ackerman


<Jerry and Kramer in an alley>

JERRY: Why were you making gravel?

KRAMER: Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.

Hey, those look familiar.

JERRY: Of course. It's garbage.

KRAMER: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin

Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!

JERRY: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

KRAMER: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing -

you're yesterday's trash.

JERRY: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.

KRAMER: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in.

Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.

JERRY: <moans>


<In George's car>

GEORGE: You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can


MIRANDA: Banana?

GEORGE: Right.

MIRANDA: George watch out for those pigeons.

GEORGE: Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?

<George hits the pigeons.>

MIRANDA: Oh my God. Oh.

GEORGE: So uh where are we eating?


<Celia's apartment>

JERRY: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.

CELIA: You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.




CELIA: Oh yeah the toys.

JERRY: Where did you get all these?

CELIA: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ...

JERRY: Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit.

CELIA: Jerry, what are you doing?

JERRY: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.

CELIA: No Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with.

JERRY: I just want to touch them a little.

CELIA: I said no. Now come here.





LOU: Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.

ELAINE: Hey Walter what is the deal with that guy?

WALTER: Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.

ELAINE: You've been an enormous help.


JERRY: You ran over some pigeons? How many?

GEORGE: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

JERRY: Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.

GEORGE: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this.

JERRY: So Maranda's cooled on y'a?

GEORGE: I'm getting nothing.

JERRY: Yeah, me neither.

GEORGE: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?

JERRY: Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

<Elaine enters>

GEORGE: I don't understand women.

JERRY: Here comes one.

ELAINE: Hey. What's going on?

GEORGE: Hey <sees coffee marks> Art Garfunkle?

ELAINE: No, Castro.

GEORGE: Right.

ELAINE: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right

next to you!

JERRY: So he just sidles up?

ELAINE: That's right! He's a real sidler.

JERRY: Maybe you didn't see him.

ELAINE: You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup

singing that song from "The Lion King".

JERRY: Hakuna Matata?

ELAINE: I thought I was alone.

JERRY: That doesn't make it right.


<Outside Jerry's apartment door>

JERRY: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ...

ELAINE: Would you just let it go?

KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!

JERRY: Oh my God!

KRAMER: It's the Merv Griffin set

JERRY: How did you get this in here?

KRAMER: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.

JERRY: So where are you gonna sleep?

KRAMER: Yeah ... backstage.

ELAINE: Phew! This chair smells like garbage.

KRAMER: Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV

yeah, you can take Mannix for example.

<phone rings>

JERRY: I'm gonna get that.

KRAMER: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime< Jerry exits> Well, Elaine Benes!

Well, it's great to have you! <Elaine suts down> Why, is it possible that you are even more

beautiful than the last time I saw you?

ELAINE: <giggles>

< Central Park>

<George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him>

GEORGE: We had a deal!


< Peterman's Office>


ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.

PETERMAN: One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the

year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an

awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.


<Lou Filerman is standing behind her>


< Kramer's Apartment>


JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.

KRAMER: That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up.

JERRY: Yeah, that was me.

KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had.

JERRY: An Army Pete.

KRAMER: Right.

JERRY: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.

KRAMER: And we all know how painful that can be.

<Elaine enters>


KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.

ELAINE: Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.

KRAMER: Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way.

ELAINE: Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.

KRAMER: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?

ELAINE: Kramer, what is wrong with you?

KRAMER: What do you mean?

ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards <to Jerry> I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste

of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.

JERRY: You, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!

ELAINE: Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!

KRAMER: Only in New York. ... ha ha

GEORGE: Jerry?

<George enters>

KRAMER: Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!

Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!

GEORGE: Well, it happened again.

JERRY: What happened?

KRAMER: tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened?

GEORGE: Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.

KRAMER: All right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what

was that like? That was the wrong card.

GEORGE: I I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!

JERRY: So they're like everyone else.



KRAMER: <laughs too loudly> All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back!

<George's Car>

GEORGE: Boy that bank clock is eight minutes off.

MIRANDA: Then why don't you just run IT over too?


MIRANDA: George, what are you doing?

GEORGE: Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved

that pigeons life!

MIRANDA: What pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. <leaves the car>

GEORGE: Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!

< Celia's Apartment>

<Jerry tries to play with the toys>

CELIA: Jerry! Those hands! They never stop!

JERRY: I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped!

CELIA: No thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?

JERRY: All right. <Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness">

< Peterman's office>

LOU: Here's the new copy you wanted.

PETERMAN: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ...

with both of you.

ELAINE: <quietly standing behind Lou> Thank you. ha ha

PETERMAN: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm

assuming I need it right away.

ELAINE: Well, I guess we'll just <Lou has left> Hey, just gimme that.

< Celia's apartment>

JERRY: <playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping> Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe.

<Veterinarian's office>

MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?

DOCTOR: There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly,

difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.

GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?

DOCTOR: We could put him to sleep.

GEORGE: What might that cost?

DOCTOR: Well, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.

GEORGE: Well? <Miranda hits George> I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do

everything possible.

DOCTOR: He, um. he's not going to be the same, you know?

GEORGE: yeah. yeah. I know.

< Kramer's apartment>

GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.

NEWMAN: <laughs>El Paso!

JERRY: What's he here for?

KRAMER: To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand

there's a young lady in your life. mmm

JERRY: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night

I finally got to play with them.

KRAMER: Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?

NEWMAN: Are you married right now?

JERRY: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and

I guess she passed out!

KRAMER: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

JERRY: She's even got that old Matel football game that we love!

GEORGE: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!

KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take

advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal

life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!

NEWMAN: I told you he was a risk.

JERRY: Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!

NEWMAN: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!

KRAMER: Smile, everyone! We're back!

< Elaine's office>

LOU: You wanted to see me, Elaine?

ELAINE: Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're

symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your...

LOU: My dead tooth?

ELAINE: No. Your. <breathes>

LOU: My breath?

ELAINE: Eechh.

LOU: What can I do?

ELAINE: Well, you should never ever go anywhere without these. <Tic Tacs>

LOU: Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! <he clicks ans clicks now when he walks>

< Celia's apartment>


GEORGE: More wine and turkey? <Pours Celia more wine>

JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought:

... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.

CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?

JERRY and GEORGE: Triptaphen.

JERRY: ... I think. Have some more wine.

CELIA: What video did you get?

JERRY: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.

GEORGE: Four hours.

JERRY: More heavy gravy?

<Celia is sleeping >

GEORGE: <playing with toys> Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry.

< Kramer's apartment>

NEWMAN: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know.

I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.

KRAMER: Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?

NEWMAN: We've got no one!

KRAMER: We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool.

<pulls the plug and the show goes dark>

NEWMAN: What about a guest-host?

KRAMER: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

< Veterinarian's office>

MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?

GEORGE: Is he dead?

DOCTOR: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?

MIRANDA: Yes he would.

DOCTOR: You have 30 minutes. <exits>

GOERGE: So ... uh, squirrel.

<Doctor enters>

DOCTOR: One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up


GEORGE: What's that?

DOCTOR: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.

GEORGE: He has no home. He's a squirrel.

DOCTOR: Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his

tail elevated. <exits>


JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.

GEORGE: It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's

gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!

<Kramer enters>

KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.

JERRY: What about my "questionable material"?

KRAMER: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!

JERRY: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?

KRAMER: Well, I practically raised his kids.

GEORGE: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by?

KRAMER: What? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm

sorry, but maybe another time, all right? <exits>

GEORGE: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically


<Elaine enters>

ELAINE: Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved.

JERRY: Tic-Tacs worked?

ELAINE: He's a human maraca.

GEORGE: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.

ELAINE: You took him over to Celia's?

JERRY: What? It's a victimless crime.

ELAINE: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?

JERRY: Okay, one victim.

ELAINE: I think it's unconscionable.

GEORGE: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.

ELAINE: EZ Bake oven?

<Celia's apartment>

ELAINE: Who wants cupcake?

GEORGE: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!

JERRY: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.

FRANK: <on TV> You step on it and it flushes.

ELAINE: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?

ESTELLE: <on TV> Stop squirming.

GEORGE: Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.

JERRY: You're like eight years old.

ESTELLE: <on TV> Georgie.

GEORGE: I was seven and a half.

< Elaine's office>


PETERMAN: That noise. that's the noise.


PETERMAN: That inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the

source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!

ELAINE: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!

PETERMAN: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side

have you?

ELAINE: No Mister Peterman.

PETERMAN: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead -

I'll find out about that too. <Exits>

<Coffee room>

ELAINE: Lou! In here! We have to talk.

LOU: Oh, right.

ELAINE: <Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou> No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.

LOU: Why?

ELAINE: Because they're turning your teeth green?

LOU: I only buy the white ones.

ELAINE: Okay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay?

Just ... just mouth wash.

LOU: I can't. It burns my cankers.

ELAINE: Binacca?

LOU: Again.

ELAINE: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!

LOU: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped

making that about 20 years ago.

ELAINE: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.

< Kramer's apartment>


KRAMER: Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.

FOWLER: Where are the cameras?

KRAMER: But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with

her toy collection. How do you feel about that?

JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.

KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything about this?

JERRY: No, not a thing.

Newman: laughs

KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!

CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?


JERRY: What is this? What is she doing here?

KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it.

CELIA: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!

NEWMAN: Go girl!

JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?


<George enters with the squirrel>

GEORGE: Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!

KRAMER: George I told you we're booked!

FOWLER: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.

KRAMER: Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.

FOWLER: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!

KRAMER: Are we getting this?



JERRY: So the whole set was destroyed?

KRAMER: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.

GEORGE: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set.

KRAMER: I tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own

talk show set.

MIRANDA: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. <exits>

JERRY: So the squirrel's gonna make it?

GEORGE: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.

JERRY: Sleeping on the couch? So you're...

GEORGE: Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last

think I heard ... we have NO DEAL!

< Celia's >

CELIA: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.

ELAINE: Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?

CELIA: Who's he? <Lou>

ELAINE: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a.


The End