The Chicken Roaster
% George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand
George: Why is there no haggling in this country?
Jerry: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a
George: Not me. Everything should be negotiable.
Jerry: Restaurants too?
George: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta.
All starches are a scam.
Jerry: Yea especially ziti, with that big hole.
[George asks the store worker a question]
George: Excuse me, how much is this?
Worker: Dollar nineteen.
George: I'll give you a quarter.
Worker: Get the hell out of here.
Jerry: Tell him forty and no fork.
Worker: That's it you leave and never come back!
Jerry: How about we leave and come back in a week?
George: Alright see? We got something there.
[Kramer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the new chicken
shack. ( I came in a little late.)]
Jerry: Look at the size of that neon light.
Kramer: Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on
Jerry: He is the gambler.
Kramer: Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a
Jerry: Try and stay calm.
Kramer: Yea, yea.
[Exit the K-Man.]
[Man on street recognizes Jerry.]
Man: Hey Jerry.
Jerry: Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?
Seth: At least.
Jerry: You wanna grab lunch?
Seth: Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office.
Jerry: Seth it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old
Seth: Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.
Jerry: Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?
Seth+Jerry: Alright, alright.
Jerry: Whatever happened to Moochie?
Seth: He's dead.
Jerry: Is that right?
[George and Elaine are in a store ]
George: I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me a business
Elaine: What do you think of the catalog?
George: It stinks.
Elaine: There, we just talked business.
Worker: We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.
Elaine: Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.
Worker: You know what else we have that you might like?
Elaine: I'll take it.
[George puts on a giant Russian hat]
George: Hey, you like?
Worker: I think that looks very nice on you.
George: Really? Elaine...Peterman account?
Elaine: Why not? [To worker] And some hair for my little friend here.
[Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant]
Seth: So how's your stand up career?
Jerry: Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.
Seth: You speak Japanese?
Seth: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.
[Jerry thinks for a minute]
Jerry: I don't know. So what's this job of yours?
Seth: Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In fact today
was our first big meeting with them.
Jerry: The meeting you blew off?
Jerry: Wasn't that kind of important?
[ Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.]
[Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone]
Elaine: ...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water pic.
Jerry: You use a water pick?
Elaine: Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine...
Jerry: So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what two?
Elaine: Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.
Man: Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.
Elaine: Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?
Roger: Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit of merchandise
on the Peterman account.
Elaine: Well, I am the President.
Roger: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense account
is for business purposes only.
Elaine: Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?
Roger: No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day.
Elaine: Good day. [Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still on hold]
Jerry: Hello, anybody?
[George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.]
Jerry: Hey, why didn't you get the big one?
George: This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a coat! It's
Jerry: I don't believe it.
George: And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa
Tomei thing going on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on.
George: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.
Jerry: That's a date?
George: What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like a
commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear
it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's
Jerry: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?
George: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove, scarf, I go
back to her place to pick it up...date number three.
Jerry: That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?
[Jerry is at his apartment door]
Jerry: "By Mennen"
[Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Kramer's peep hole,
Jerry then knocks on Kramer's door. When the door is opened a huge red light
is seen, Kramer is there smoking away on a cigar]
Jerry: What's going on in there?
Jerry: The light!
Kramer: Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right across my window.
Jerry: Can't you shut the shades?
Kramer: They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stopped by.
Jerry: Yea? What'd he say?
Kramer: he was fired.
[Cut to Elaine's office, Elaine is trying to convince the accounting guy that
all of her expenses are business related]
Elaine: Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the
Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?
Roger: Another bulls eye.
Elaine: Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obviously for a
legitimate business purpose.
[ Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.]
Roger: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
Elaine: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?
Roger: Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.
[Hits Roger with water from water pic.]
[Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment]
Jerry: Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the
lunch with me?
Seth: We're old college buddies.
Jerry: I only knew you through Moochie.
Seth: Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that we got to
catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?
Jerry: Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet.
[Exit Seth. Kramer comes over, hits the wall. ]
Jerry: How's life on the red planet?
Kramer: Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that
giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.
Jerry: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?
Kramer: Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny Rogers has
any idea what's going on down there.
[Kramer gets out a bowl, fills it with cereal and then removes the tomato
juice from the fridge.]
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Getting some cereal
Jerry: That's tomato juice.
[Kramer takes a big spoonful of cereal w/tomato juice!]
[Spits out cereal]
Kramer: That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed
up! Alright, that's it I gotta move in with you Jerry.
[Kramer then spills the cereal on Jerry's wall...]
Jerry: I don't know Kramer, my only concern is that ....
[Cleans it with a dish rag....]
Jerry: ..living together after a while we might start to get on each others
nerves a little.
[Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back in fridge]
Kramer: Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy sleeper,
right? Why don't we switch apartments?
Jerry: Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make
it an eight room luxury suite.
Kramer: Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come down!
Jerry: Yea, that's no good.
Kramer: I may have to drive that place out of business.
Jerry: How you gonna do that?
Kramer: Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.
[Kramer opens door and falls back from the neon light ]
[George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.]
Woman: Thanks George, but I got it from here.
George: Oh no I'm in already come on.
[George puts down the bags he came in with]
George: So you want to get together tomorrow?
Woman: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
George: What about this weekend?
Woman: I'm gonna be busy for a while.
[George throws his keys on the table]
George: OK, see ya!
Woman: Hey, you forgot your keys.
George: What, those aren't my keys.
Woman: Well they're not mine.
George: Oh, they are my keys, how weird.
Woman: Bye George.
Woman: George, bye!
[George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ]
George: Costanza. [Like "By Mennen"]
[George and Elaine are in Elaine's office. George is looking at a bunch of
fake butterflies on the wall(?) ]
Elaine: What do you mean you don't have the hat?
George: I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?
Elaine: No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!
George: Alright, alright ,I'll call Heather, you'll get your hat back, I will
get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.
[George tries to dial but gets a busy tone] Elaine: Dial 9- MERLIN.
[George dials again and Heather picks up the phone]
George: Heather Hi, it's George Costanza.
George: Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me, I think I may
have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just come by
later and pick it up.
Heather: You didn't' leave a hat here.
George: I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair ...
Heather: No hat. George I gotta go.
George: You know maybe ... I'll ...
[Heather hangs up]
[Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage for Kenny
Roger's Chick shack]
Seth: Jerry Hi! What do you think?
Jerry: I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that
Seth: Yea, I'm the new manager
Jerry: But your were an executive, this is fast food.
Seth: Not fast food, good food served quickly.
[Kramer opens his window revealing a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN"]
Kramer: Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you up.
Seth: That's not going to be good for business.
Jerry: That's not going to be good for anybody.
[Kramer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ]
Jerry: If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out.
I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna
come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
[Jerry holds up a doll]
Kramer: Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.
Jerry: And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...
[Jerry is interrupted by the sound of a toilet flush, out comes Newman from
Jerry: Oh no.
Newman: Nice place you got here Kramer a man can really get some
Jerry: Well don't get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real job you two
are gong back in that chicken supernova.
[Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Kramer's apartment. Newman starts
Kramer: What is that Roger's Chicken? Oh get that outta here.
Newman: I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.
Kramer: Well I'm boycotting it.
[Kramer looks at the chicken.]
Kramer: What is that, hickory?
Newman: Yea, it's the wood that makes it good.
[Kramer reaches for some and Newman grows,]
Kramer: Oh stop it.
[Kramer looks like he loves it]
[Knock on Heather's door.]
Heather: Can I help you?
[Its Elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by pulling his
Elaine: Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend of George
Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this
pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel a
Elaine: I know, he has a real confidence problem.
George: Well not really...
Elaine: George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because
you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not
be. But I really do need to have that hat back.
Heather: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I mean,
maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...
George: Well that makes sense.
Elaine: Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?
Heather: Be my guest.
[George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine]
George: Good to see you again.
[George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired.]
George: She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere.
Elaine: This is an absolute disaster.
George: Oh, I don't know. Check this out.
[George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. ]
Elaine: You stole her clock?
Elaine: Well done.
George: Yep, this one for our side!
[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny Roger's
Chicken. Kramer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so found
another piece of chicken, Kramer throws it on the floor.]
[Cut to Kramer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).]
Jerry (Thinking): What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship.
[sound of a door opening]
Jerry (Thinking): Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?
[Morning at Jerry apartment]
Elaine: So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon, what am I
Kramer: You should sleep with him.
[Enter Jerry, his hair is like Kramer's. Jerry enters doing Kramer's slide]
Jerry: Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's
like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking. And
that red light is burning my brain!
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh I'm stressed!
Elaine: So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by
four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.
Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend.
Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking, he sells
Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.
Elaine: fourty bucks? Are they Sable?
Jerry: No, but the difference is unnoticeable.
Kramer: Oh yea, I like this idea.
Elaine: Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
Jerry: Giddee up!
[Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveals himself, he was hiding in the
Newman: It's getting cold, it's getting cold.
Kramer: That was a close one.
Newman: Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry?
Kramer: If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there with
the red menace.
[Back to Elaine's office]
Ipswitch: Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was Sable, this is
Elaine: Well, that's a kind of sable.
Ipswitch: No, its a kind of rat.
Elaine: That's a rat hat?
Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice
but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors
nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this
Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
Ipswitch: Yes, and quite mad from what I hear.
Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you?
[Cut to Monk's George and Kramer are eating together]
Kramer: So Heather called?
George: Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'.
Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?
Kramer: No, but this is all very exciting.
George: She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my hat, I think
she's getting ready to make an exchange.
Kramer: Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your
George: I've looked at that, seems unlikely.
Kramer: I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?
George: I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into that
apartment he's too much ... like you.
Kramer: That's a shame.
[Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand]
Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign?
Seth: Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager.
Seth (On loud speaker): Number sixty seven, family feast.
Newman: Number 67, right here, right here!
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
Jerry: Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in
Newman: I love broccoli, its good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]
[Newman spits it out]
Newman: Vile weed!
Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant licking of
the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
Newman: Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard.
[Newman drinks mustard like Henningins ]
[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Kramer is waiting for Newman. Jerry comes in.]
Kramer: Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy.
Jerry: Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find him at
Kenny Roger's Roasters.
Kramer: Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.
Jerry: He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people, as long
as one of them is not him.
Kramer: Oh hey Elaine stopped by, yea dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat, oh
she's upset at him, oh yes siree. Yea well thanks for stopping by.
Jerry: I sure do miss my apartment maybe I'll switch back.
Kramer: Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no
choice but to put that banner back up and run that Roger's right out
Jerry: I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble,
I'll do it myself.
Kramer: Yea, yea go ahead put the banner up doesn't matter to me.
Kramer: No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken, you leave
those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.
Jerry: You got a little problem.
Kramer: Oh I got a big problem Jerry!
[Elaine is visiting Peterman in the Burmese jungle. Elaine is brought in and
told to sit. ]
Elaine: Mr. Peterman.
[A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the background, Peterman scolds him in another
Elaine: You speak Burmese?
Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding
Elaine: No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood.
Peterman: Are you an assassin?
Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
Peterman: You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Elaine: Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this
expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
Peterman: I'd be happy to Elaine ... but I will have to see this hat.
[George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding a bag.]
George: So how do you want to do this?
Heather: Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went out, I found
you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times, you
sorta got stuck in my head, Costanza!
[Costanza like "By Mennen"]
George: So you really don't have my hat?
[George moves his bag]
George: Oh. let's go do something.
Heather: What's in bag?
George: That's a sandwich.
[Clock starts ringing]
George: Damn salami.
Heather: My clock, you stole it!
George: That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my orders.
[Starts raining ]
[Jerry enter Chicken Stand. The rain has made the rat hat (which he was
wearing) wet (or course)]
Jerry: Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there.
[As Jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the wetness,
the hat falls apart into everyone's plate]
Jerry: Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.
Seth: That's not gonna be good for anybody.
[Kramer in bed eating chicken when ... the Kenny Roger's chicken light goes
Kramer: Kenny? ... Kenny?
[Kramer at his window with a sign saying "come back Kenny" ]
[Jerry is in bed at his own apartment]
Jerry: Home at last.
Jerry: Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?
[Elaine with Peterman in the jungle]
Elaine: Its the Urban Sombrero, I put it in the last catalog.
Peterman: The horror...the horror.
<Spellchecked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">