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The Cafe

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Episode #307

Originally Aired: November 6, 1991

Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen

Jerry Seinfeld....................... Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander.................. George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.............. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards................. Cosmo Kramer

Guest starring:
Brian George [Babu Bhatt]
Dawn Arnemann [Monica]

Written by: Tom Leopold

Directed by: Tom Cherones

[Opening monologue.]

There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know? Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace. Nobody knows what happened to 'em. I guess eventually when like aliens land in mother ship of close encounters, bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out in a daze going 'I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn't you?.'

[George and Jerry are standing outside in the street. Across the street there is a restaurant called Dream Cafe. Sign says Grand opening.]

George: She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don't like nice.

Jerry: This is amazing, I haven't seen one guy going in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy.

George: Why is nice bad? What kind of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?

Jerry: What's that smell? What are you wearing?

George: Little cologne.

Jerry: Manly.

George: Monica wants me to wear it.

Jerry: So why didn't you say no?

George: I'm too nice.

Jerry: Poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.

George: She wants me to take an IQ test.

Jerry: That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

George: No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, I have to be a guinea pig.

Jerry: I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody.

George: You know, I can't talk to you anymore.

Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test.

George: Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.

Jerry: Who thinks you're smart?

George: I'm not going to break a hundred in this thing.

Jerry: What thing?

George: You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!

Jerry: Oh, the IQ thing...yeah.

George: I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.

Jerry: What did you get?

George: What did I get or what do I say I got?

Jerry: What do you say?

George: I say fourteen o nine (1409).

Jerry: 1409, that's a good score.

George: You're telling me.

Jerry: What did you really get?

George: You are my friend.

Jerry: Of course.

George: I tell you everything, right?

Jerry: I hope so.

George: Well, this I take to the grave.

[Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching Dream Cafe with binoculars and Elaine is reading a newspaper.]

Jerry: He's serving Mexican ,Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one is going in.

Elaine: Why do you keep watching?

Jerry: I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.

Elaine: And then you flush.

Jerry: Well, it's a spider.

Elaine: You know, sometimes people won't go in to a place, if they don't see anyone else in there.

[Jerry pulls his sweater over his nose.]

Elaine: You have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.

Jerry: Bazooka Joe.

[Buzzer rings and Jerry looks at Elaine who is closer to the door.]

Jerry: The buzzer.

Elaine: It's your house.

Jerry: My house? You have to be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah?

Intercom: It's George.

Jerry: Come on up.

Elaine: Casus belli.

Jerry: What's that?

Elaine: It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.

Jerry: Go in, go in!

Elaine: Have you gone in there?

Jerry: No, I'm afraid if we start talking, I'm gonna wind up going partners with him.

[George enters. He's got some bagels and big SAT book.]

George: Hi.

Jerry: You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor.

[Elaine sniffs around.]

George: I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

Elaine: Sure, fine.

Jerry: Casus belli.

Elaine: Casus belli.

George: What's that?

Elaine: Since when do you wear cologne?

George: Why what I do is so important? Why must I be always the vocal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.

Jerry: Hey, how did you do on that IQ test?

George: I didn't take it yet.

Elaine: What IQ test?

George: What's casus belli.

Jerry: Oh, it's nothing...

George: Is it about me?

Jerry: Why must you always be the vocal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

Elaine: It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?

Jerry: This woman he's dating is making him to take this IQ test for this course.

Elaine: Oh, that sounds like fun.

George: Yeah, fun. IQ tests are totally bogus. They prove nothing.

Elaine: You'll do well, you're smart.

Jerry: No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not.

Elaine: What did you get on your SAT's?

George: It varies.

Jerry: You know, I don't even know my IQ.

Elaine: Mine's 145.

George: 145!

Jerry: Get out of here!

Elaine: You get out of here!

Jerry: You get out of here!

George: You should take the test for me.

Jerry: Well, that would be something, cheating on a IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.

George: Yeah, yeah I really had some guts back then. Why wouldn't we do that again?

Elaine: What?

George: You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out the window. We could do it, she lives in the first floor.

Elaine: Are you serious?

George: Why not?

Elaine: Where would I take the test?

George: I don't know, she lives right around the corner. Take it here or go to the coffee shop.

Elaine: No, that would be too noisy.

Jerry: Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep.

Elaine: Hey, what do you think?

Jerry: Hey, I love a good caper.

Elaine: Yeah, that's what is is, a caper.

George: You'll do it?

Elaine: What the hey.

George: Yeaah, beautiful...[They try to hit a high five, but George hits Elaine in the forehead.] Sorry...

[Dream Cafe. Jerry comes in.]

Babu Bhatt: Welcome to the Dream Cafe.

Jerry: Well, I've been looking forward to it.

Babu: Oh, how did you hear about us?

Jerry: Eh, people, people are talking.

Babu: Smoking or non smoking? We are proud to offer both.

Jerry: Non smoking would be great.

Babu: Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot face cloth for your pleasure.

Jerry: Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]

Babu: Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.

Jerry: Well, what do you recommend my good fellow?

Babu: Oh, the turkey.

Jerry: Oh, the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here , my friend. I'm sure you flourish in this location for many many years.

Babu: You're a very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...

Jerry thinks: Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people like I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a nobel price?

[George is taking a test at Monica's bedroom.]

George: You go in the living room. I'll take the test in here.

Monica: But why?

George: I can't concentrate in front of you.

Monica: Oh, I think you're making too much of this. IQ tests don't mean anything.

George: Are you kidding me? This is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons intelligence.

Monica: Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

George: Well, I think you're wrong about that. And now if you would excuse me, I would like to get started please.

Monica: Good luck.

George: Don't need it.

[Monica leaves and George runs to the window where Elaine is waiting.]

Elaine: What's been going on in there? I've been standing here for 20 minutes.

George: I'm sorry I'm sorry, here's the test. Thanks again for doing this.

Elaine: All right, what time do you want me back here.

George: Eh, twenty to three.

Elaine: Ok.

George: Thanks again.

Elaine: All right.

George: And don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius.

[Jerry is eating at the Dream Cafe. Babu fills the water for Jerry.]

Jerry: Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.

Babu: It is in deed my pleasure.

Jerry: Oh, please...

[Elaine comes in.]

Babu: Oh, welcome to the Dream Cafe. Our specials today...

Elaine: Oh, no no I'll just have a tea and toast.

Babu: Tea and toast.

Jerry: Eat something! Babu...

Elaine: Um, ok, I'll have the rigatoni.

Babu: Oh, very good choice. Very good.

[Elaine is opening an envelope and is very excited.]

Jerry: Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating.

Elaine: I know.

[Kramer comes in.]

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Oh boy. Jerry let me ask you something, hi Elaine...

Elaine: Hey.

Kramer: This guy leaves this jacket at my mothers house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.

Jerry: So?

Kramer: Well, I'm not giving it back.

Jerry: Why not?

Kramer: Because I meat a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. Why do you think my mother went out with him?

[Kramer takes some nachos and spills some to Elaine's test.]

Kramer: Oh, gees...

Elaine: Yeah, ok...[takes the test and goes to another table.]

Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?

Jerry: Statute.

Kramer: What?

Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.

Kramer: No, statue.

Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.

Kramer: Just wait a minute...Elaine, Elaine! Now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?

Elaine: Statute.

Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

Elaine: Look, Kramer, I have to take this test ok, I don't have a long of time.

Kramer: What test?

Elaine: An IQ test.

Kramer: Why do you take an IQ test?

Elaine: It's for George.

Kramer: George?

Elaine: Yeah, can I...can I explain it to you later?

Kramer: Why are you taking an IQ test for George?

Elaine: Would you please?!

Kramer: What, is it for a job or something?

Elaine: Later!

Kramer: You're positive it's statute?

Elaine: Yes, yes!

Babu: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face cloth...[gives Kramer a hot towel and Kramer screams and falls from his chair.]

[Monica's. George is reading a New Yorker on the bed and Monica is trying to get in. The door is locked.]

Monica: George?

George: Yeah?

Monica: The door is locked.

George: Oh, it's locked?

Monica: I need to get something.

George: Monica, I'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer.

Monica: George!

George: Wish I could.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is singing and Elaine gets distracted.]

Babu: Ladadeeda, laadadeeda....

Elaine: Babu! If you don't mind?

[Babu comes to collect dishes from Elaine's table and knocks down a cup of coffee.]

Elaine: Oh my God! It's all over the test!

Babu: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Elaine: Oh man! Look at this...and I'm late anyway.

Babu: Please, forgive me, please...

Jerry: Go ahead, I'll take care of it.

Babu: I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!

Jerry: It's all right, she was cheating anyway.

Babu: You're a very kind man.

Jerry: Babu, you're Pakistani?

Babu: Yes, Pakistani, yes.

Jerry: Babu, may I say something?

Babu: Of course, you're a very smart man, I'll listen.

Jerry: I'm not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to franks and beans for example.

Babu: But there are no Pakistani people here.

Jerry: Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.

Babu: Yes, you see everything, don't you?

Jerry: Well, not everything. I do what I can.

Babu: I'll close down today and when I open again it'll be whole Pakistani restaurant. Thank you, thank you very much, you're very special person, very special.

[Babu leaves]

Jerry thinking: I am such a great guy. Who else would've gone through the trouble of helping this poor immigrant? I am special. My mother was right. Of course I've never had Pakistani food. How bad it could be?

[Elaine is giving the test back to George.]

Elaine: It was an accident.

George: What did you go on a picnic?

Elaine: Babu Bhatt did it.

George: Babu Bhatt? How I'm going to explain this?

Monica: Time's up George.

George: Ok. [George opens the door.] Here you go.

Monica: How did you do?

George: Piece of cake.

Monica: What happened to the test?

George: What? I spilled some food on it.

Monica: Food? What food?

George: What are you talking about?

Monica: Where did you get food?

George: From my pocket.

Monica: What?

George: I eh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

Monica: And coffee?

George: Yeah, had some coffee, yeah.

Monica: Where did you get the coffee?

George: Where did I get the coffee? Where do think I got the coffee, from the grocery store.

Monica: How did you get there?

George: I walked.

Monica: How did you get out of the apartment? I didn't see you leave.

George: I climbed out the window.

Monica: You climbed out the window?

George: Of course.

Monica: Why didn't you go out the door?

George: The door? Why would I go out the door? The window is right here.

Monica: You are a fascinating man, George Costanza.

[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign on the window: Closed for renovation.]

Jerry: Most people in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me.

Elaine: You're very special.

[Kramer enters.]

Kramer: Hey, do me a favor. If some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.

Jerry: Of course, I always do.

Kramer: No, no it's that guy. He's really been bugging me about the jacket.

Elaine: Just give it back to him.

Kramer: Oh, he'll have to kill me. [leaves.]

[Jerry sees George from the window.]

Jerry: Hey Georgie!

George: Coming up.

Jerry: How did you do on the IQ test?!

George: 85!

Jerry: What?!!

George: 85, Jerry! 85 IQ !

[Jerry laughs.]

Elaine: 85?

Jerry: Well, well, well...

Elaine: He's coming up?

Jerry: Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds.

Elaine: Yeah, but an 85, that's ridiculous.

Jerry: Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...

[George comes in looking angry.]

George: Oh, hello professor.

Elaine: George, I cannot believe...

George: Please...

Elaine: No there has got be a mistake.

George: You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

Jerry: But an 85?

Elaine: There were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever he's name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.

Jerry mocking: It was a madhouse.

Elaine: Jerry! It was! Let me take it again.

George: Whow, forget it.

Elaine: Oh, come on, come on. I guarantee 140. What do you have to lose?

George: You could do worst!

Elaine: No, no, I guarantee it.

George: All right, I'll ask her.

Elaine: Ok, now where I'm going to take it.

Jerry: Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions.

[Dream Cafe. Babu is on the window looking gloomy. Jerry comes in.]

Jerry: Well, congratulations my friend. You know, I sorry I missed the grand re-opening. I was out of town for about a week.

Babu: You see how I listened. I worked very hard, borrowed more money.

Jerry: I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.

Babu: You wish to eat?

Jerry: Let me tell you something Babu. You go back there in that kitchen and tell your chef I want the works.

Babu: Very good.

Jerry thinking: Very good? No, not very good, very great. I am very, very great.

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine is finishing the test.]

[Monica's bedroom. George is pacing the room.]

[Jerry's monologue.]

You know the IQ test has always that sample question at the beginning where they show how to fill in the circle. It should be the first eliminating point right there. Anybody goes outside of that circle, yeah you wanna come with us, yeah you're done, the test is over, you went outside the circle ok?

[Jerry's apartment. Elaine finishes the test and is packing the stuff.]

[Kramer charges in and locks the door behind him.]

Elaine: What are you doing?

Kramer: Quiet. Shh, don't say anything.

Elaine: What's going on?

Man behind the door: Hey, Kramer! I saw you going there! I'm not leaving until I get the jacket. [Bangs on the door] Open up Kramer!

Elaine: Why did you come in here for?

Kramer: I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

Elaine: Well Kramer, I have to return this test. I've got to get out of here.

Kramer: I thought you took the test.

Elaine: I had to take it again.

Kramer: How come?

Elaine: What's the difference?!!

Kramer: Well, you can't leave now.

Elaine: What?

Man behind the door: Come on, Kramer! I want that jacket back!

Kramer: Never!

[Monica's apartment. George is looking out the window.]

Monica: George, open up.

[George opens the door.]

Monica: Well?

[George shakes her hand.]

George: How' you doing?

Monica: Where's the test?

George: You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...

[Dream Cafe. Babu is looking as Jerry eats.]

Jerry: Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just that it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?

Babu: The shrimp is stringy?

Jerry: Well, maybe your refrigerator...

Babu: Quiet!! You shut up! You make me change restaurant, but nobody comes! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!

Jerry: You know, I think I'll just take the check.

Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves]

Jerry thinking: Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?

[Monica's. Elaine is gently tapping on the bedroom window. Monica comes to open.]

Monica: Are you looking for George?

Elaine: Well eh, kind of....

Monica: George left.

Elaine: Oh.

Monica: Is that the test?

Elaine: Oh, you go.

Monica: Thanks. I hope you did do a lot better this time.

Elaine: Actually, you know what, I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entreat.

[At the street. Dream Cafe has a Closed sign on the window and men are carrying furniture out.]
[George, Jerry and Kramer are standing across the street. Kramer has no jacket on.]

Jerry: You know what it was, bad location.

George: Lets not stand here, we might run in to her.

Jerry: Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

Kramer: Yeah...

Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry.

Kramer: I'm going upstairs.

[Elaine comes.]

Elaine: Hey guys, I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.

Jerry: 151?

George: That's a good score.

Jerry: So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

George: Italian.

Elaine: No, Chinese.

Jerry: You know, what would be great?

[George and Elaine give Jerry a long look.]

[Closing monologue.]

It's tough to do a good deed. Just look at your professional good deed doers. Your lone rangers, your superman, your Batman, your Spiderman, your Elasticman. They are all wearing disguises, masks over their faces. Secret identities. Don't want people to know who they are. It's too much aggravation. "Superman, thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here, I've got a security deposit. What am I supposed to do?"