The Bubble Boy
Transcribed by The News Guy (Mike)
Jerry Seinfeld Jerry Seinfeld
George Costanza Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Kramer Michael Richards
Heidi Swedberg [Susan Ross]
Jessica Lundy [ Naomi ]
Brian Doyle-Murray [ Mel ]
Carol Mansell [ Mother ]
O-Lan Jones [ Waitress ]
Jon Hayman [ Voice and Arm of Donald ]
George Gerdes [ Man #1 ]
Tony Pappenfuss [ Man #2 ]
Written by: Larry David & Larry Charles
Directed by: Tom Cherones
Stock shot of Hunan Chinese restaurant at night
<Jerry and Naomi enter Jerry's apartment>
JERRY: Well this is it.
P: This is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.
JERRY: Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic.
P: Yeah, me too,
JERRY: No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic.
P: Laughs - ha ha ha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked
gun is on. I've seen it. I
laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?
JERRY: No, I mean, I don't think so.
P: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you uwere happy go lucky.
JERRY: No, nah, I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything
I'm sad stop unlucky.
N: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
JERRY: That's not funny Naiomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you
check the TV guide. I think uh, Holacost is on.
GEORGE: (on phone) Jerry, it's George. Hey, hey are you all set foe the week end.
This is going to be great. You're going to have a great time with Naomi.
All right, you know she's got that laugh. What did you say? It's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
AAnyway, i was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...
<Jerry rips machine out of the wall plug>
JERRY: This thing has never worked right.
N: You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?
JERRY: Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of
all time. "I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... ha ha " Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the
healthiest ways ... <Naomi exits> it makes the juice ... extracts the pulp and the vitamins, for long life
JERRY: How could you leave a mesage like that on my machine.?
GEORGE: Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?
JERRY: Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!
GEORGE: Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.
JERRY: Well, now she's not going away for this weekend.
GEORGE: What do you mean not goin'? We got plans here. Call her up.
JERRY: Well, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a
girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger.
Cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish mongers a pretty bad smell.
GEORGE: Well maybe you should ask Elaine.
JERRY: Yeah but if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted.
GEORGE: Oh no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.
JERRY: Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?
<Kramer enters smoking a cigar>
JERRY: Ah, Kramer.
KRAMER: Hello boys, top of the morning to ya. What do you say? What do ya be?
JERRY: Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
KRAMER: So, what are you guys doin this weekend?
JERRY:, GEORGE: uh uh, we're uh ..
KRAMER: Because I'm going to e playing golf at the Westchester country club. Hum.
JERRY: Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
KRAMER: Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St.
and I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round then he says anytime I lay one of
these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Isn't that beautiful.
JERRY: and GEORGE: ye, hu, um ye,
KRAMER: Man, I'm going to be hitting the links all weekend. foooo
GEORGE: Gee, that's too bad.
JERRY: Too bad.
KRAMER: Why? What wa?
GEORGE: Well, they got any golf courses up there?
JERRY: and GEORGE: No, no, no, no.
GEORGE: That's pie country.
GEORGE: They do a lot of baking up there.
JERRY: They sell them by the side of the road.
PIE PIE PIE PIE
ELAINE: I don't know.
JERRY: Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it will be a better group.
ELAINE: What's that?
JERRY: Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I don't know what to write on these things.
I hate doin' this.
ELAINE: "I'm very imPRESSED"? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?
JERRY: Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?
ELAINE: Well, what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!
JERRY: Well, um same bed and uh, underwear and a tee shirt.
ELAINE: What about me?
JERRY: You'll be naked of course.
ELAINE: Uh, thats, ...
MEL: Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?
MEL: My name's Sanger, mel Sanger. I drive that truck out there.
JERRY: Oh, the Yoo Hoo? I love Yoo Hoo.
MEL: It's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago. I was watching
the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood. Damnedest thing.
Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.
JERRY: A bubble?
ELAINE: A bubble?
MEL: Yes, a bubble!
MEL: Do you mind? May I?
ELAINE: Oh, sure.
<Mel sits down with them>
MEL: Ah, It'd break your heart seein' him in there. It's like a prisoner. No friends - just his mother and me.
And I'm out there six days a week haulin' Yoo Hoo We have sacrificed everything. All for our little bubble boy
<breaks up in tears>
: <in tears>
MEL: Excuse me, I
ELAINE: Here <giving out paper napkins>
<<THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SCENES - MEL AND ELAINE WIPE TEARS FROM THEIR EYES, JERRY WIPES CRUMBS FROM HIS MOUTH>>
MEL: Excuse me, anyway we were watching you on TV
JERRY: You get in the bubble with him?
MEL: No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.
JERRY: Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
MEL: No, it's clear.
JERRY: Ah ha.
ELAINE: Who has the remote?
MEL: He does.
ELAINE: The remote goes through the bubble?
MEL: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
JERRY: So you have no control over the remote?
MEL: No, it's frustrating.
ELAINE: Yeah, of course, yeah.
MEL: So anyway, you're his favourite comedian. he laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot
JERRY: That's nice!
MEL: Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit
and just say hello.
JERRY: Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ...
ELAINE: Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.
JERRY: Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where do you live, uh up town? Upper west side?
MEL: Up state.
JERRY: Up state! Hummm.
JERRY: He's a bubble boy.
GEORGE: A bubble boy?
JERRY: Yes. a bubble boy.
SUSAN: What's a bubble boy?
JERRY: He lives in a bubble.
SUSAN: So, what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?
JERRY: No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room.
GEORGE: What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?
JERRY: That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. anyway what can I do I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.
It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin.
SUSAN: Well, where does he live?
JERRY: I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'
SUSAN: Wait a minute, This is right on the way to the cabin.
GEORGE: All right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.
JERRY: You think we can do it?
SUSAN: I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.
JERRY: Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited.
SUSAN: I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.
GEORGE: All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.
<Kramer enters with golf bag, clubs and outfit, smoking a cigar>
GEORGE: and JERRY: Very nice, very nice, nice.
<Susan recoils at his presence>
KRAMER: Well, I'm off to the links.
GEORGE: and JERRY: Yeah,
KRAMER: Listen, I want to thank you for the invite up state. I'm sorry I can't make it.
SUSAN: The what?
GEORGE: Nothing, uh lets get going. Come on.
SUSAN: Did you..
GEORGE: No, no, we'll talk about it later.
SUSAN: Is that one of the cigars my father gave you?
<IN car on highway
ELAINE: hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?
JERRY: Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.
ELAINE: Oh, that's nice!
JERRY: What's he doing? What is his hurry?
ELAINE: Well you know George. It's not enough to get there. you gotta make good time.
JERRY: I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
I never heard the end of it....Look at him.
GEORGE: Would you stop that please. Would you just stop that?
GEORGE: ... just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here.
I once went from west 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in uh 15 minutes. hu uh Here hold this. It's
ten dollars for the tolls.
JERRY: What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
ELAINE: Isn't that blue car him?
JERRY: No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot.
Now what are we going to do?
ELAINE: It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
JERRY: I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I don't even remember the name of the town.
ELAINE: Wa',you don't have the directions?
JERRY: No, I was following him.
ELAINE: How could you not take the directions?
JERRY: Because, HE'S my directions.
<from George's car>
SUSAN: I didn't see them George.
<Jerry ranting in his car>
JERRY: we make all these plans - he goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -
ELAINE: Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing or whatever.
JERRY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM
ELAINE: Just get off at this exit. We'll figure somethin' out.
<from George's car>
SUSAN: We lost them. Do you KNOW THAT. WE LOST THEM!
GEORGE: It's not my fault. Seinfeld can't drive. How hard is it to follow somebody?
SUSAN: Well now what are you going to do?
GEORGE: It's fine, we'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
SUSAN: Does he have the address?
<Jerry's apartment - Kramer enters - picks up a piece of paper from the counter>
JERRY: (answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.
N: (on phone speaker) Hi, Jerry it's Naomi, Listen, if its not too late I've changed my mind, I'd like to go to the cabin
KRAMER: Wait, wai, ... ... Yeah. Hello!, Hi, Aw, this is Kramer. Yeah, I'm the next door neighbour. Aw, well you know,
Jerry's left, uh, But listen, yeah, see my golf game got cancelled. Uh, I'm thinkin' of going up myself... They got
pies and I got the directions right here.
KRAMER: So then I drive all the way up to the country club and then I find out they got a tournament goin' on. Do you mind
if I smoke?
KRAMER: These are Cubans. <IN FAKE SPANISH> Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam.
N: ha ha ha ha ha ha
<The Sangers' house>
GEORGE: I don't know of this is the house. I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
<Susan smooches him>
GEORGE: Stop, would you quit it.
GEORGE: Maybe someone is going to see us here.
SUSAN: So what? You are SUCH a prude.
GEORGE: Hey, I am not a prude sweetheart. I swing with the best of them.
SUSAN: Come on lets go in.
SUSAN: Well we should at least tell them what happened. They might be very late if they make it at all.
GEORGE: I can't go in there. I can't face the bubble boy.
SUSAN: What's the matter?
G I just don't react well to these situations. My grandmother died two months early because of the way I reacted in the
hospital. She was getting' better.
And then I went to pay her a visit. She say my face. BOOM. That was the end of it.
SUSAN: We're goin' in. Come on.
GEORGE: Susan, please... <grabs her>
SUSAN: George. Stop.
GEORGE: Would you wai,..
JERRY: <ranting> Can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - how my whole weekend is gone - the plans,
packing, ... everything
ELAINE: Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?
JERRY: Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the BB? You don't have to mention the BB.
I know about the BB. I'm aware of the BB. Why do you keep reminding me about the BB?
<Elaine stares at him and blows a bubble with bubble gum>
JERRY: I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.
WAITRESS: How about you?
ELAINE: I'll just have a glass of water.
JERRY: (whispers) You can't just have water.
ELAINE: Why not? That's all I want.
JERRY: Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
WAITRESS: Hold it a second. Don't you play on TV?
JERRY: Oh, no.
ELAINE: YES! yes. You saw him on TV.
WAITRESS: What's your name?
ELAINE: Jerry Seinfeld.
WAITRESS: Garry Seinfield! I saw him on the Tonight Show.
ELAINE: Right. Hey, wouldn't you like an autographed picture?
WAITRESS: Oh, ha ha
JERRY: Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine.
ELAINE: He's lying. They're in the trunk <takes car keys > Now you get to sign another one.
JERRY: I'm not lying.
ELAINE: Yeah, he is. <as she leaves>
JERRY: She'll have a cup of copy and a broiled chicken.
Mrs. Sanger: You see it's not really a bubble. A lot of people think it's an igloo. But it's really just a plastic
GEORGE: and SUSAN: <nod>
GEORGE: Can you uh, go in the bubble?
Mrs. SANGER: Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
MEL: The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
GEORGE: So then he makes his own bed?
Mrs. SANGER: well, that's one of the things we fight about.
MEL: Would you like to meet him?
GEORGE: Uh, well, you know,...
Mrs. SANGER: He loves games. Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.
DONALD: HEY MA WHAT THE HELL DO I GOT TO DO TO GET SOME FOOD AROUND HERE? I'M STARVIN'. AND IF IT'S PEANUT BUTTER,
SHOVE IT IN YOUR FACE.
Mrs. SANGER: <embarrassed> ha ha ha.
: he he he One picture left in the truck.
JERRY: Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! This turned out to be a GREAT weekend.
ELAINE: Where's my water?
JERRY: Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go.
ELAINE: Waddya' write?
WAITRESS: "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."
E, hu hu hu hu hu "There is nothing's finer than being in your diner."?
JERRY: No good?
ELAINE: THIS is what you came up with?
ELAINE: That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.
JERRY: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back. I'm not happy with what I wrote.
WAITRESS: It's good. I like it.
JERRY: No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it.
WAITRESS: Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.
JERRY: No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture.
WAITRESS: RIGHT! <leaves>
Mrs. SANGER: This is Donald.
DONALD: WHO ARE YOU? Where's Seinfeld?
Mrs. SANGER: He's on his way. These are his friends.
DONALD: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT? NEVER SEEN A KID IN A BUBBLE BEFORE?
GEORGE: 'Course I have. Come on. My cousin's in a bubble. My friend Jeffrey's uh, sister, also ... you know ...bubble. I got a lot of bubble experience. Come on.
DONALD: WHAT'S YOUR STORY?
SUSAN: I, I have no story.
GEORGE: She works for NBC.
DONALD: HOW 'BOUT TAKING YOUR TOP OFF?
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, behave yourself.
DONALD: COME ON.
Mrs. SANGER: I know. I know. Why don't you play a game of trivial Pursuit?
GEORGE: Well, you know we gotta been running because of the ...
DONALD: WHAT? ARE YOU AFRAID?
GEORGE: Humph, no, uh, it's just that ...
DONALD: I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.
JERRY: Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me.
WAITRESS: You are really startin' to get under my skin.
JERRY: I want that picture.
WAITRESS: Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.
<Elaine digging into the roast chicken>
JERRY: I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
WAITRESS: Well, you ain't getting' it back.
JERRY: Well, maybe I'll just take it back. <Hits picture>
ELAINE: This chicken is really good.
DONALD: OK, HISTORY. THIS IS FOR THE GAME. HOW YA DOIN' OVER THERE? NOT TOO GOOD!
GEORGE: All right BB. Let's just play... Who invaded Spain in the 8th century?
DONALD: THAT'S A JOKE. THE MOORS.
GEORGE: Oh, Noooo, I'm so sorry. It's the MOOPS. The correct answer is, The MOOPS.
DONALD: MOOPS? LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT MOOPS YOU JERK, IT'S MOORS. IT'S A MISPRINT.
GEORGE: I'm sorry the card says MOOPS.
DONALD: IT DOESN'T MATTER. I'S THE MOORS. THERE'S NO MOOPS.
GEORGE: It's MOOPS.
KRAMER: Hey, anybody home?
N: What should we do?
KRAMER: Huh, hold these <boxes of> pies.
<Kramer falls in through open window>
GEORGE: Help, someone. <BUBBLE BOY is strangling George>
DONALD: THERE'S NO MOOPS. YOU IDIOT.
SUSAN: Stop it. Let go of him!
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, stop it! Now, let go of him Donald. Donald!
DONALD: I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, ... donald...
DONALD: MOORS. SAY MOORS!
Mrs. SANGER: Donald, No. ... stop it ..
<Susan bursts the bubble>
<hissing sound and Donald's hands leave George's throat>
<Waitress is strangling Jerry, cook is grabbing Jerry, Elaine is grabbing the cook>
JERRY: What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
WAITRESS: Are you going to pay for that?
JERRY: No, I want the picture back.
<angry guy enters>
MAN #1: Something's happened to the BB. They're rushing him to the hospital.
WAITRESS: What? <releases Jerry>
JERRY: The BB? He lives around here?
MAN #1: That's his house right down the road.
MAN #2: He got in a fight with some guy.
Guy1: What kind of person would hurt the BB?
MAN #2: Some little bald guy from the city.
MAN #1: Vern, Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do somethin'?
<Elaine and Jerry make their escape>
KRAMER: Naomi, come on let's get goin'.
N: But that lake must be freezing.
KRAMER: Nah, it's good for ya'. Retards the aging process.
N: Ready to go swimming?
KRAMER: Let's go. OK,
N: ha ha ha ha ha
<The Sanger house>
GEORGE: Jerry, what happened to you?
JERRY: What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
GEORGE: I was not. The BUBBLE BOY was trying to kill me. Susan tell him.
SUSAN: It's a long story.
DONALD: HEY SEINFELD!
JERRY: Hey, Happy Birthday.
DONALD: THANKS FOR SHOWING UP. YOU KNOW YOUR FRIEND HERE TRIED TO KILL ME.
GEORGE: Oh, you lying little snot. And he's a cheater. Aren't ya' you little twerp?
<The towns people arrive>
MAN #1: There's the guy that tried to kill the BB. Get him.
GEORGE: Go, go, get out, ...
<our heroes run for it>
<Jerry's car, sirens blasting>
JERRY: Fire engines?
GEORGE: Must be a big one.
<In the woods>
SUSAN: Do you smell something?
JERRY: Yeah, smoke.
GEORGE: yeah, <cough> Definite smoke.
ELAINE: Argh, look at the fire! <cough>
JERRY: Holy cow! look at that!
SUSAN: IT'S MY FATHER'S CABIN!
ELAINE: The CABIN is on fire!
GEORGE: I just realized. Ya' never gave me back the change from the toll.
ELAINE: How could this have happened?
<Kramer and Naomi arrive in bathing suits>
KRAMER: <singing> ... wild funky mountain man ...
N: Oy, my god, the cabin?
JERRY: What are you two doin' here?
N: Look at that.
JERRY: You didn't <makes motion like lighting a cigar>
KRAMER: <runs to burning cabin> My Cubans!