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The Subway

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Episode #313

Originally Aired: January 8 1992

Transcribed by: Juha Auvinen from Finland


Production Credits:

Producer............ ................. Larry Charles

Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones

Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman

Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld

Written By ........................... Larry Charles

Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones



Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld

George Costanza ...................... Jason Alexander

Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Kramer ............................... Michael Richards


Naked man............................. Ernie Sabella

Scam woman.............................Barbara Stock

Woman with Elaine..................... Rhoda Gemignani

OTB Patron............................ Mark Boone Jr.

Thug.... ............................. Christopher Collins

Player #1 ............................ Barry Vigon

Player #2 ............................ Joe Restivo

Violinist/cop .........................Daryl Roach

Kid ...................................Chet Nelson


Monk's Caf, the whole gang at a booth.

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch

for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb

and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5,

but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith

and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.

Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?

Kramer: Well, yeah...

Elaine: Ok, what time is your job interview George?

George: 9:45

Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.

George: Why not?

Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of

a salesman'.

George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The

biggest loser in history of American literature.

Elaine: All right, I'm gonna go.

Jerry: What time is the lesbian wedding?

Elaine: 9:30

George: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they

flip a coin?

Elaine: Yeah, they flip a coin.

George: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.

Jerry: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)

George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're

thinking: "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

Kramer: Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.

Jerry: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?

Kramer: Yeah.

Elaine: Yeah.

George: Yeah.

Jerry: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of



On the Subway.

George: How many tickets are you paying today?

Kramer: Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no

registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives

George a ticket)

George: No doors?

Kramer: I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six

hundred bucks.

*Blind violinist comes playing, with mug for the money. Everybody else gets

some change, except George.*

George: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.

Violin player: Thank you.

George: That guy is not blind.

Jerry: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I

got to pick up my car at the pound. George?

George: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.

Jerry: Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was


George: That's amazing.

Jerry: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on


George: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second

interview with them.

Jerry: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?

Elaine: I can't. I'm the best man.

Jerry: Kramer, bumper-cars?

Kramer: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with


Jerry: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to

rides alone.

*Subway announcement: 42th street. Change to D,N,RR,2,3,4,5,7,C,E,F train.*

*They all get off and go to different directions.*

Elaine: See'ya.


Another subway. Jerry comes in and sits down. Fat man across him gives a


George gets on another subway. Sits next to a beautiful woman. They smile to


Kramer rushes to yet another subway and tries to find a seat. Stumbles

around as all seats get filled right before him.

He squeezes himself to same seat with obese young man.

Jerry is falling asleep and leans towards the next guy who leaves and Jerry

falls in his seat.


Woman next to George rubs her leg and George looks at her.

Woman: You looking for a job?

George: Me, why?

Woman: Well, you're reading the classifieds.

George: Oh, no no no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is.

Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM

up a quarter.

Women: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.

George: Me? No, no, I don't, I don't. Doing very well, very well, yep.

Women: So, you're in 'the market'?

George: Yeah I'm, eh, in 'the market'.

Women: Which market?

George: Which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board.

Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.

Women: So, do you work for one of those big broker-houses?

George: They wish. I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion.

Big broker-houses killed my father.

Woman: Really?

George: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long

story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore then that I would

never work for big broker-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm

about more than money, I'm about people, always gone my own way and I've

never looked back.

*Train horn blows and George looks back*


*Elaine's train. She's carrying a wedding present. A older woman approaches


Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would

give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.

Elaine: It's ironic.

Women: What's ironic?

Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress,

but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.

Woman: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?

Elaine: Oh...

Woman: Where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party?

Elaine: A wedding.

Women: A wedding?

Elaine: Yeah

Woman: Hah, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with

men and women.

Elaine: You're telling me.

Woman: So, are they a nice couple?

Elaine: Oh, very nice.

Woman: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?

Elaine: She.

Women: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.

Elaine: There is no he.

Women: There is no he. So, who's getting married?

Elaine: Em, two women. It's, eh...lesbian wedding.

Women: Lesbian wedding.

Elaine: Aha, yep. I'm tman.

Women (talks to man next to her): My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the

subway for 35 years. I get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)

Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men,

but I'm not a lesbian!


Kramer's train. A man leaves and lefts a newspaper to his seat.

Kramer and another guy glance each other and rush to get the paper. The

other man gets to it first and Kramer gets only little piece of one page.


Jerry's train. He is still sleeping and trying not to fall to the floor.

Man across gives him a look.


*Elaine's train. Train is full packed.*

Elaine's voice: I'm really looking forward to this. I love weddings. Maybe

I'll meet somebody, umm maybe not.

*Train suddenly stops*

Elaine's voice: Oh, man. We're stopping?


*George's train.*

Woman: Well, this is where I get off.

George: Oh, you do?

Woman: Eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing.

George: No, no, what, what?

Woman: Well, I was going to say: why don't you get off with me, but you're

obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something.

George: Yeah, well....

Woman: Yeah I knew it was a bad idea.

*George is in agony thinking if he should go or stay. Then runs after her*

George: Hey, what's another million, give or take. I get off where and when

I wanna get off.

*He gets stuck between closing doors.*

George: I'm stuck. Pull a little, just a second. Don't start the train!

Don't start the train!!


*Kramer is reading a newspaper. Couple of men behind him are talking.*

Man1: This, it's the fourth horse of the first race, Pappanick.

Man2: How do you know it's going to win?

Man1: My UPS-guy tells. Guys who own the horses are regular customers.

Every horse he has ever given me has won.

See, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. He's been

getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't

been published. Now they are ready to run with it. They are gonna break his

maiden. It's going to go to great price, maybe 30:1. I'm telling you ,it's

a lock.

Man2: But it rained last night.

Man1: Exactly, this horse loves the slop. It's in his bloodlines. His

father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'.

Man2: His mudda' was a mudda'?

Man1: What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to

call my bookie. Hey, don't tell anybody.

*Kramer quickly turns away*


*Jerry wakes up and looks to guy opposite to him. The fat guy is naked and

reading a paper.*

Jerry: O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?

Naked man: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.

Jerry: You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.

Naked man: You got something against naked body?

Jerry: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends,

maybe a squat thrust?

Naked man: Who's got time for squat thrusts?

Jerry: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a

'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.

Naked man: I like a good breakfast.

Jerry: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up

trapped in a room with bimbo broals(?) and pigtails, been counseled by Dick


Naked man: I'm not ashamed of my body.

Jerry: That's your problem, you should be.

*Naked man drops half of his newspaper*

Jerry: Don't get up, please, allow me.

*Jerry picks up the paper*


*Elaine is still trapped in a stopped train.*

Elaine's voice: Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need.

Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're

stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people?

This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is

so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel

something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in

a gage. We are in a gage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring.

What'll they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't

breath, I feel faint. Take it easy, it'll start moving soon. Think about

the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And

hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This

is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help

me! Move it! Com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! Why isn't it moving?!? What

can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a

train get stuck. Step on the gas!! What could it be? You'de think the

conductor would explain it to us? 'I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be

moving in 5 minutes'!! I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!!

*Lights in the train go off*


*George and the woman step in to a hotel room.*

George: Are you often on business trip? Nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket.

Woman: Make your-self comfortable.

*She steps in to bathroom.*

George's voice: Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want

me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my

clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I really look like an idiot.

She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what

then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. 'Make yourself

comfortable'. I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing

can ruin me. I got it! I take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There,

that's comfortable. She can't accuse me being unconvertible.

*She comes out from the bathroom, wearing a nightie.*

George: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.


*Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. He is talking with a guy

behind in the line.*

Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on him.

Guy: The bug boy.

Kramer: Yeah, the little father has run his hard out. They're gonna break

his maiden.

Guy: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night.

Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob.

Born in the slob. His father was a mudda'.

Guy: His father was a mudda'?

Kramer: His mother was a mudda'.

Guy: His mother was a mudda'?

Kramer: What did I just say?

*Kramer gets to the cashier*

Kramer: Hey,all right, 600 Pappanick to win.


*Jerry's train*

FG: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.

JS: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.

FG: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.

JS: Defence? Please. ...They need speed.

FG: Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.

JS: Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.

FG: They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.

JS: But you gotta like their chances.

FG: I LUV their chances.

JS: Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.

FG: It's a deal!


*Elaine is in a stopped train with no lights.*

Elaine's voice: Why couldn't I take a cab. For 6 dollars my whole life

could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What

if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1

banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5, I'm still here! Still

here! Why don't they start moving? Move! Move!! Move!!! *Train starts

moving, lights get back on* It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes!! *Train

stops again and lights go off* Motherf(beep-beep)!!!


*George and the beautiful woman are still in the hotel room. The woman is

putting handcuffs on George and the other end to the backboard of the bed.*

George: Eh, gee, I hope you have the key for these things.

Woman: Oh, don't worry. I do.

*She steps in to the bathroom*

George: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in

her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really

disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version

of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth from Hazel. Really embarrassing,

cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse

looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.

Woman: Like what?

George: Like a "Hey your mother is uglier than Hazel. Hazel really puts

your mother to shame"

*She comes out of the bathroom fully clothed*

George: What's going on?

Woman: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I

have to get going.

George: Get going? But we haven't really, you know....

Woman: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?

George: What are you doing? You're robbing me?

Women: I wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars?

George: Wait, wait a second, what are you doing?

Woman: I'm taking your clothes.

George: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg .

Woman: Bye George.

George: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?


*Kramer is in the "Off-track betting" office. The race is on and Pappanick

is slowly making ground*

*Kramer is pounding himself imitating the jockey and shouts: Yes, yes,


*The winner is Pappanick*

Kramer: Yes! Yes! I won, hey (shouts to cashier)

*Kramer collects the winnings. A big pile of cash. Shows the money around.

There is a big thug looking at the money.*

*Kramer goes into the subway and sees that the thug followed him. He makes

a run for it. Thug follows. Kramer steps out of the train and so does the

thug. Kramer tries to jump back on the train, but door closes.*


*The naked man has put his clothes back on and he and Jerry are getting of

the train.*

(Naked) man: I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.

Jerry: First we ride the cyclone.

(Naked) man: Chilly out.

*Jerry takes a deep breath*

Jerry: Aah, French fries.


Kramer is running away from the thug and enters the train where the blind

violinist is playing. Kramer knocks down the violin player and the thug

picks Kramer up and looks for the money.*

Thug: Give me the money. Give me the money!

Blind violin player puts a gun to the thug's head and says: "Freeze,



Back to the Monk's caf. Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are sitting in a booth.

Jerry: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the

time I got to the police garage, it was closed.

Elaine: Too bad.

Jerry: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at

what we won!

*Waves around a stuffed monkey*

Jerry: You want him?

Elaine: Get that out of my face.

Jerry: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!

*George enters wearing a sheet.*

A young man at the counter yells: Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna!

George: How would you like a 'Hare Krishna' fist on your throat, you little


Elaine: George?

Jerry: Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?

George: You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?

Jerry: Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer.

George: Give me your key, I gotta get it.

Kramer: What happened?

George: Never mind what happened, just give me the key.

Jerry: Come on, I'll go with you.

Elaine: Here, pay. (Gives the check to Jerry)

Kramer: Wait, wait, wait...

*Kramer gets the check, looks at it and gets pile of cash and pays. Jerry

and Elaine look amazed.*