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The Robbery

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[Scene: Comedy club]

JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this

women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that

I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...

the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous

thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.

[shows several fingers to the audience] It's a finger, what

does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm

supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I

mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't

you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the

finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've

gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and

uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to

person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his

foot down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,

isn't it ?


[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting

at the table watching Jerry]

JERRY: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella,

something boring to read on the plane. [zips his bag with

exaggerated motions] That's it. Done!

ELAINE: [claps her hands] That is the single greatest packing

performance I have ever seen.

JERRY: [proudly] I am...the master packer.

ELAINE: [laughs] Yeah, right, you're the master packer.

JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, [picks up the

umbrella] packing is no different than leading men into

battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses [hits

his bag rhythmically with his umbrella] of every soldier in

that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of

ordinary black socks.

ELAINE: 'Scuse me...master packer!

JERRY: ...Yes.

ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.

JERRY: Alright, sir. [tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer

goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom] George?

GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah

ELAINE: [Jerry opens the door] OK, so, now, is there anything

else I need to know 'bout this place?

JERRY: uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to

come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all

your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.

ELAINE: OK, this is quite a place.

JERRY: There's more, the refrigerator. [Opens it] Deduct a

minimum of two days of all expiration dates. [uses the

umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator]

No meat, no leftovers, no butter. [closes the refrigerator]

And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is

that clear?

ELAINE: I'll eat out.

JERRY: One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity:

strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a

big favour: do it in the tub.

GEORGE: [walks in] Ready?

JERRY: Yeah, one sec.

GEORGE: [closes the door] Hey, Elaine


GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?

ELAINE: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a

break from my roommate.

GEORGE: Oh, the actress-waitress.

ELAINE: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in

some dinner-theater production of a Chorus Line. So, now all day

long she's walking around the apartment singing: [singing]

"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it

right in her...

GEORGE: You just kick her out.

ELAINE: She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an

other place for me.

GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in

your price-range. [looks like he remembers something and turns

to Jerry] But you, my friend, may be in luck.

JERRY: I'm not looking.

GEORGE: No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty!

JERRY: Yeah, what's it like?

GEORGE: I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's

on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?

JERRY: How much?

GEORGE: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great

building, it's two bedrooms!

JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough

trouble maintaining activity in one. [George looks at Elaine

with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around] I saw that.

ELAINE: You oughtta least take a look at it.

JERRY: Really? Why?

ELAINE: 'Cause then I could move in here.

JERRY: Ooohhhh

ELAINE: It's time you got out a here anyway.

GEORGE: Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here.

ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have

no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...

GEORGE: Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on

here for ten years; no human can turn this off.

ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at

least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live

like this.

JERRY: Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here.

ELAINE: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from

Island to Finland.

GEORGE: Jerry, what do wanna see the

place or not?

JERRY: I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to

Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.


[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his


JERRY: Elaine! [puts his bags down, sits down on the couch,

picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV]

JERRY: [notices the TV is missing] ELAINE!

ELAINE: [from the bathroom] JERRY! [enters the living-room]

Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?

JERRY: Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR.

[Elaine looks guilty] What?

ELAINE: They were stolen.

JERRY: Stolen? When?

ELAINE: A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right


JERRY: Stolen?

ELAINE: [Kramer enters the apartment] Someone left the door

open. [it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the


JERRY: [to Kramer] You left the door open?!

KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I

came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause

I was gonna bring the spatula right back!

JERRY: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?

KRAMER: [bobs his head guiltily] The door.

JERRY: The door? You left the door open?

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

JERRY: Yeah, and?

KRAMER: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...[with

a broken voice] The Bold and the Beautiful

JERRY: So the door was wide open?

KRAMER: Wide open!

JERRY: [Elaine enters the living-room] And where were you?

ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to

heat up.

KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance,

right buddy?


KRAMER: [looks shocked] How can you not have insurance?

JERRY: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's

the most impenetrable lock on the market has only

one design flaw: the door...[shuts the door] must be CLOSED.

Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it,

I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!

JERRY: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an


KRAMER: [theatrical] I made a mistake.

ELAINE: [idem] These things happen

KRAMER: [idem] I'm human

JERRY: In your way.

[Scene: Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a

report. Jerry and Elaine are there.]

POLICEMAN: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather

jacket, a VCR and a that 'bout it?

ELAINE: Answering machine.

JERRY: [disappointed] Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea

of somebody out there returning my calls.

POLICEMAN: What do ya mean?

JERRY: It's a joke.

POLICEMAN: I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into

it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find


JERRY: You ever find anything?

POLICEMAN: No. [hands Jerry his copy of the report]

JERRY: Well, thanks anyway.


ELAINE: [Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters]

I didn't get that joke either.

JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him.

He's the crook: why would he answer...[turns around and sees

George standing behind him] How did you get in here?

GEORGE: [makes some weird motions] I walked in, your lobby

door is broken again.

JERRY: Again.

GEORGE: I don't know how you put up with this.

ELAINE: Yeah, tell'm George.

JERRY: [to Elaine] You would still wanna move in here?

ELAINE: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel

Merman without the talent.

JERRY: [to George] Is that uh, other apartment still

available. [George shows him the keys]


[Scene: Comedy club.]

JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now,

the first couple a times you go through it, it's very

upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will

say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So

you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think:

"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna

see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police

come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they

give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his

copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do

you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the

city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few

crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for

their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.

"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can

round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,

he's a PENGUIN!


[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry

are entering the apartment.]

ELAINE: [looks around] Oh, well, come on...this is an

apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a

fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? [takes a closer

look at the fireplace]

GEORGE: I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this

is incredible.

JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?

ELAINE: They deliver it.

JERRY: They deliver wood?


JERRY: Whatta ya tip a "wood guy"?

GEORGE: [looking intensively at the form with the apartment

description] I didn't know there was a fireplace?

ELAINE: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.

GEORGE: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!

JERRY: Would I have to get a gardener?

ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardener.

JERRY: You tip him?

ELAINE: You can.

GEORGE: [to Elaine] You don't tip a gardener!

ELAINE: You can tip a gardener.

GEORGE: You don't need a gardener.

ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here [points to garden].

JERRY: They deliver the coal?

ELAINE: Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the


JERRY: Oh, than I gotta tip him.

ELAINE: Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this

great light!

JERRY: I don't have any plants.

GEORGE: I have plants.

ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking

in it! [walks in the closet] It's a "walk-in". Can you believe

it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!

JERRY: [closes the closet with Elaine still in it]...I like

that. [opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look]

What do ya think, George?

GEORGE: It's your decision.

JERRY: [walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying

his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not

able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing]

I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this

is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.

ELAINE: [laughing with joy] Your movin'? That means I'm

movin'. [hugs Jerry] Gheeeeee [runs to George] isn't that


GEORGE: Congratulations. [obviously not so thrilled by the



[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.]

ELAINE: What about the couch?

JERRY: You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.


JERRY: You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start

you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. [Elaine

looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall] Get it out a

here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see

it, go, get it out.

ELAINE: A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this


JERRY: Yeah!

ELAINE: For this couch?!

JERRY: [shuts the door] OK, you tell me, what is it worth?

ELAINE: OK, uuhh...I'll tell you what...I could go as high as

uh... [takes a closer look at couch] I don't know, maybe...$20


JERRY: [has a "you-can't-be-serious-look" on his face; the

apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry speaks over the intercom]


GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah, it's George.

JERRY: Come on up. [opens the door; walks back to the couch]

Oh, all right, forget it, I'm gonna take it with me now...

[picks up the cushions] I'm just gonna pack up the cushions

right now...

ELAINE: OK ok ok ok, you win: $40 dollars.

JERRY: You wanna get the other end, 'cause I wanna get it in

the hall. [acts like he's going to lift up the couch]

ELAINE: $50 dollars, OK? $50 dollars, is that all right?

JERRY: $50 dollars?

ELAINE: Uh-huh.

JERRY: Thank you very much.

ELAINE: Thank you very much.

GEORGE: [walks in and closes the door] Hey, what's goin' on?

ELAINE: I just bought Jerry's couch for $50 dollars.

JERRY: [to George] So did you bring the lease? [George takes

the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry] All

right, ghee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time.

GEORGE: Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry [said very quickly],

listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at

all, at all: do not feel like you have to take it.


GEORGE: If you're having second thoughts, if you didn't want


don't worry about it because uh, ya know, I, I...I could take

it, ya know. [said with a "for-instance-look" on his face]

JERRY: You could take it? You want it?

GEORGE: No, I don't want it. I want it, if you don't want it.

JERRY: So you do want it.

GEORGE: No I, I want it if you don't want it!

JERRY: You just said, you wanted it!

GEORGE: No, I'm saying, if a situation arose in which you

didn't want it, I might take it.

JERRY: [picks up the lease and hands it to George] So take it.

GEORGE: [refuses to take the lease from Jerry; Elaine looks

worried] How can I take it?!

JERRY: How can I take it?

GEORGE: It's your apartment!

JERRY: How can I want it now, if you want it?

ELAINE: Excuse me, uuhh, I don't mean to cause any trouble

here, but George, if you take it, can I take your place?

GEORGE: Yes, but I am not taking it.

JERRY: not taking it. [drops the lease demonstratively]

ELAINE: Well, one of you better damn well take it!

JERRY: Well, whatta you wanna do here?

GEORGE: I, I don't know. [makes a gesture, that he doesn't


JERRY: Do you wanna flip a coin?

GEORGE: ...Who flips?...You'll flip, I'll call.

JERRY: OK, fine...[takes a coin from his pocket] This is the

official flip! No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and

that's it, agreed?

GEORGE: I'm good.

ELAINE: I don't know, who to rune for, George's place has


JERRY: All right, now you call it in the air.

GEORGE: No catchin'.

JERRY: No no.

GEORGE: Flip it. [Jerry flips the coin] Heads! [the coin hits

the table. It falls on the floor; they all look intently at

the coin]

JERRY: Tails!

GEORGE: No, it hit the table, it hit the table.

JERRY: So what?



JERRY: You didn't call no interference!


JERRY: I don't believe this.

GEORGE: Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it,

just take it!

JERRY: I don't wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do ya


ELAINE: I'd better not...

JERRY: ...Well, I'll tell ya what: I'll choose you for it.

Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...that's it, you

gotta win three.

GEORGE: OK [they walk around each other]...OK. I'll choose

you...whatta ya want?


GEORGE: I want evens.

JERRY: Good.

GEORGE: You got odds.

JERRY You got evens.

GEORGE: Right, ready.

JERRY: For the apartment. [they take their "choose positions"]

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine!

BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

JERRY: Mine! [George walks to the table to take a break]

BOTH: [they take their positions again] Once, twice, three,



BOTH: Once, twice, three, shoot!

GEORGE: [Jerry wins, Elaine starts measuring up Jerry's couch]


JERRY: Thanks. [George walks to the bathroom]

GEORGE: [screaming in bathroom] WHAT DID I PUT UP TO? WHAT DID


KRAMER: [enters the apartment "Kramer-style"] Jerry, I think

I'm on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the

Englishman, who lives down the hall?

JERRY: Yeah.

KRAMER: The last couple a days he's been acting very strange;

I think he's avoiding me.

JERRY: Hard to imagine. [ironically]

KRAMER: Yeah! And get this: I just got of the elevator with

him and I tested him, I tested him, like I...this is what I

said to him, like I, I was like this [shows how he was acting

in the elevator], I went: "Oh, by the way, I now about the


JERRY: Right.

KRAMER: Ya know, very casually, so that he was gonna take me

in to his confidence.

ELAINE: So what did he say?

KRAMER: "What stuff?".

JERRY: Ooh, case closed! [ironically]

KRAMER: No, you don't understand, you see, he swallowed...see,

the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something!

Now, I'm gonna go over there, I'm gonna borrow some tee...if I

don't get back in five minutes, maybe you'd better call the


JERRY: OK, starting [looks at his watch]...NOW!

KRAMER: Yeah! [said in his own typical way and he runs off]


[Scene: Comedy club]

JERRY: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid,

you have a certain way of working out disagreements...and

those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way

that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them

say: "I got the front seat" [other kid's voice] "I wanted the

front seat!" [first kid again] "I called it". And the other

kid knows he's got nothing to say: [other kid's voice] "He

called it, what can I do?". If there was a "kid-court of law"

it holds up: [lawyer's voice] "Your Honour, my client did ask

for the front seat"...and the judge would go: "Did he call

it?" [lawyer's voice again] "Well no, he didn't call..." BANG!

[imitating a hammer being hit by the judge]; [judges voice

again] "He has to call it, case closed...objection overruled".


[Scene: Coffee house, called Monk's; Jerry is sitting at a

table, George is returning from the bathroom]

GEORGE: [walks towards the table] I love the mirror in that

bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is: I look terrific

in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or

the lighting...I feel like Robert Wagner.

JERRY: [bobs his head] It's a good mirror...[both look at

their menus] So, what are ya gettin'?

GEORGE: I don't know, I can't eat, ya, ya can't have anything

anymore. Look at this, look at this: eggs: out, coffee: out,

french fries: out, BLT: out!...I go to visit my grandparents:

three big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot!

They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How can

you eat that stuff?!"...[they look at their menus again] I'm

so sick about losin' that choose, you don't know.

JERRY: Oh, right, forget it, forget it, I'm not taking the


GEORGE: What?!

JERRY: How can I live there?

GEORGE: Why not?!

JERRY: Look at you, you're still thinking about it, I'll never

feel comfortable.

GEORGE: Oh, get out a here.

JERRY: How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping.


JERRY: You're already moping!...Would you take the place?

GEORGE: No, impossible! It's your apartment.

JERRY: You found the place.

GEORGE: You won the choose.

JERRY: All right, forget it, it's over, I'm not moving.

GEORGE: Well, me neither.

JERRY: Definitely?

GEORGE: Definitely.

JERRY: Oh, than just get rid of it. You won't have any


GEORGE: No, it's not a problem, I can get rid of the apartment

this afternoon. [a waitress approaches]

WAITRESS: What apartment?

GEORGE: Oh, it's a great place, it's uh "two-bedroom" uh, west

83rd 'bout half block from the park.

WAITRESS: What's the rent?

[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. The waitress bought it;

Jerry, Elaine and George are invited, they're sitting on a

couch, all three moping]

GEORGE: I don't know, what we're doin' here, this is


JERRY: She wanted to thank us for the apartment. [very


ELAINE: I can't believe I lost the deposit on that u-hall. [I

can't quite understand what she'd saying here]And I threw out

my couch. [She slaps Jerry on the leg]

JERRY: If only the coin hadn't hit the table.

GEORGE: The table is interference, you know it!

JERRY: It is not!

GEORGE: It is too!

ELAINE: My roommate starts rehearsal tonight on Carrousel.



GEORGE: Hi, Carol.

CAROL: I just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is

Larry [points to her husband; Jerry, Elaine and George get

up]. This is George, Elaine and Jerry [points to them] [to

Larry] These are the guys who got us the apartment.

LARRY: Oh, you don't know how grateful I am, if there's

anything I can ever do to repay you, I, I mean, we're just so

thrilled with this place.

CAROL: It's a dream.

LARRY: I'm running in the park now, I've lost weight, we're

barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable.

GEORGE: We're really glad for ya. [very sadly]

ELAINE: Couldn't be happier. [idem]

JERRY: It's wonderful. [idem; they sit down again]

CAROL: Diane, Diane, come here. [she beckons a women; she

comes to the couch] This is my new next door neighbour, Diane.

[Jerry, Elaine and George get up; Diane appears to be very

attractive] [to Diane] These are the guys, who turned this

place down, can you believe it? [to Jerry, George and Elaine]

Diane gave me the greatest backrub today, she's a masseuse!

DIANE: How, how could you guys have turned this place down,

it's such a great location and it' close to the park.

GEORGE: We're aware of the proximity to the park, yes.

DIANE: Well, it was nice to meet you. [she walks away]

GEORGE: Nice meeting you. [shakes Carol's hand; they sit down

again; Carol walks away]

JERRY: How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe uh,

buying a new TV and smash it over my head. [two men are

standing behind the couch talking]

RIGHT MAN: I get a call from Gilmore this morning and get

this: they're restructuring the organization in Atlanta and I

gotta be there on the first of the month.

LEFT MAN: Really? What are you gonna 'bout the apartment?

RIGHT GUY: Well, what can I do? Give it up.

JERRY, ELAINE and GEORGE: What's the rent?


<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy">