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The Raincoats1 and 2 Transcribed by 13erla Episode 82&83 - The Raincoats ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Cast Regulars: Guest Stars: ================================================================== [Opening Monologue] I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through and Hand shakes is the worst, there's absolutely no guidelines for hand shakes you know these people? Too long, too weak, sometimes they give you the three-quarter handshake just the fingers, early release, late release, sometimes people will dispute your release, you let go there're hangin' on. I have actually said to people 'Hey the handshake is over!.' Too many pumps, coming in too high, too sweaty, coming from too far away. Sometimes a guy will give you a strong grip, late release, and pull you in for the too close conversation. To him I say 'That's three strikes you're out.' [Monk's] (George and Jerry at the usual booth) JERRY: You know their timing couldn't be worse. GEORGE: Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you? JERRY: You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up. GEORGE: When are they leaving for Paris? JERRY: Not for another three days. GEORGE: What about her place? JERRY: She lives with her parents. GEORGE: Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents. JERRY: (sarcastically)Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way. GEORGE: Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship? JERRY: The baldies GEORGE: Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town. JERRY: That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present. (Alec and Joey enter) ALEC: (walking over to Jerry and George's table) Hey guys. GEORGE: Hey Alec JERRY: Hey Alec ALEC: This is Joey. GEORGE: Hey Joey, how you doin'? ALEC: (Joey was about to talk) Hey listen, I was wondering if either one of you guys would be interested in doing some work for the Big Brother program? I'm kinda running the local chapter. What do you say George? GEORGE: Well uh.... JOEY: (interrupts) Wouldn't you like to be a big brother to someone like me? Please? GEORGE: Well, sure Joey, sure, I would be thrilled. ALEC: That's great George, thanks a lot I'll get in touch with you. JOEY: Wouldn't you like to be a big brother.. ALEC: (grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya. JERRY: What happened? GEORGE: What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid? JERRY: (acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
[Street] (Jerry and George walking down the sidewalk.) JERRY: Hey did you notice they moved where they do the interview on Jeopardy now? GEORGE: Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy. JERRY: Ya, it's much better isn't it? GEORGE: Oh, n-no comparison. JERRY: Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries. GEORGE: (stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey. JERRY: What? GEORGE: Your parents are going to Paris right? JERRY: Yea? GEORGE: So I tell Alec that I have to goto Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris. JERRY: What about little Joey? GEORGE: Who? JERRY: Ah, I think he's probably better off.
[Jerry's Apartment] (Morty and Helen are sitting at Jerry's Table; Jerry and George are standing by them) GEORGE: I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox. MORTY: But there are no stamps on these. GEORGE: Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course. HELEN: Why are you doing this? JERRY: He wants this guy to think he's in Paris. HELEN: Why? JERRY: Because George is a deeply disturbed individual. (Kramer enters) KRAMER: Oh hey, Helen uh, Could I uh, use some more of your hand lotion? HELEN: I told you it was good. (hands Kramer the lotion) KRAMER: (putting on the lotion) Ya HELEN: It's from the Sachs Fifth Avenue in Miami. KRAMER: Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida. JERRY: Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there. KRAMER: Ya MORTY: Say those are some nice pants. I got a pair just like them at home. KRAMER: Well uh that doesn't surprise me, ya i bought these at Rudy's. It's a used clothing store. See when people like you die, the widows they bring in their wardrobes, they make a bundle. GEORGE: Really? My father has a ton of old clothes just sitting up in the attic, y-you think they're worth something? KRAMER: Ya if they're vintage, and you're a widow. GEORGE: What happens if the husband dies after the wife, who brings in the clothing in then? KRAMER: Well I suppose the children do. GEORGE: (pondering) Yes I suppose they do. KRAMER: (takes another smell of his hands) Alright I gotta a ten o'clock, I'll see everybody later. (Kramer goes to turn the door nob and falls straight to the floor slipping off the nob, then continues to try to open the door with no one really watching; He then uses his coat to get a grip and then smiles and exits) GEORGE: (grabbing his jacket) Hey oo, I just remembered uh my parents really wanna have you guys over for dinner before you leave town. What about tonight? (Morty and Helen look at each other) HELEN: Tonight? GEORGE: Yea they're making Payaya. HELEN: (looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans. JERRY: (watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans? HELEN: (turns to Jerry) We have plans. JERRY: Where'd you get plans? HELEN: (annoyed) We have plans. GEORGE: Well um, what about tomorrow night? HELEN: (turns back toward George) Maybe GEORGE: Ok uh, I guess I'll tell them that. MORTY: (to George as he is about to leave) Hey give 'em our best though. GEORGE: (quietly) Ya. JERRY: (walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later. GEORGE: Ya. (George tries to open the door hand slips then he exits; Jerry makes sure the door is closed) JERRY: So what plans do you have? MORTY: None JERRY: So how come you're not going over there for dinner? HELEN: Jerry we don't care much for the Costanzas'. MORTY: We can't stand them. JERRY: Really? Since when? HELEN: Since always. We've never liked them. JERRY: Why? HELEN: Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice? JERRY: No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind. MORTY: Well we do. (Buzzer; Jerry goes over to answer it) JERRY: Ya? (Elaine and Aaron are heard laughing on the Intercom) ELAINE: It's us. JERRY: U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you? HELEN: We adore Elaine. JERRY: She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend. HELEN: What's he like? JERRY: He's nice, bit of a close talker. HELEN: A what? JERRY: You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas' HELEN: They're exhausting it's like being in an Asylum. (Elaine and Aaron enter) EVERYONE: Hi. MORTY: Hello Elaine (Morty and Helen give Elaine a hug) ELAINE: This is Aaron. HELEN: Hello Aaron MORTY: Hello. AARON: (getting up in Helen's face) So how long you folks in town? HELEN: Oh, three more days, three more days then we're off to Paris. AARON: Ah MORTY: We're going with a select charter group. AARON: I love France, (moving over to Morty's face) I was just there last year. In fact, you know I still have an envelope full of French Franks, I'll give 'em to ya. HELEN: We can't take money. AARON: Oh, no, it's a gift. (looking toward Elaine) from us. ELAINE: Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time? JERRY: No I haven't. AARON: You know (to Morty) I have a friend who works at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. How would you like a behind the scenes tour? HELEN: (grabbing Aaron) Really, you could do that? AARON: (up in Helen's face) Easily HELEN: I wouldn't be any trouble? AARON: (gets closer) Of course not. HELEN: When would we go? AARON: How about right now? MORTY: I'm ready HELEN: Are you sure? AARON: Yes. HELEN: Ok, let me get my coat. (Helen goes to get her coat) AARON: (walking over to Elaine and getting into her face) Elaine what do you say? ELAINE: W-well I don't think so Aaron, uh, I have plans. AARON: Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry? JERRY: I'm swamped. AARON: You sure? You could examine the art work up close. JERRY: Maybe I'll try and catch up with you. ELAINE: (under her breath) Ya that'll happen) AARON: (Moving toward the door) Alright. We're off. (Aaron, Helen and Morty heading out the door) MORTY: Ok, bye. HELEN & AARON: Bye. JERRY: Ok buh bye. Have a good time. ELAINE: Bye. AARON: See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss) JERRY: Ok. ELAINE: Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum? JERRY: I don't know. ELAINE: What is that? JERRY: Maybe he was just trying to be nice. ELAINE: Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this? JERRY: Wait a second, he just did me a big favor. (Jerry walks over to the couch sits down and picks up the phone) ELAINE: What? JERRY: (dialing) He got em out of the house. ELAINE: What? JERRY: Call Rachel. ELAINE: Oh. JERRY: (on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed) ELAINE: (putting on lipstick) Sorry pal, wish I could help you out. (Elaine kisses at Jerry; Jerry looks at her in disgust)
[Costanza House] FRANK: They're not coming? GEORGE: No, they had plans. ESTELLE: How could they have plans? GEORGE: That's what I wanna know. FRANK: Well what difference does it make? They wouldn't lie to us, they're are dear friends. ESTELLE: What am I supposed to do with all this Paella? GEORGE: They said tomorrow, maybe. FRANK: Maybe? ESTELLE: Maybe they don't like us. FRANK: Why wouldn't they like us? (tastes the Paella; disgusted) Again with the pepper? What do you gotta use all the pepper for? ESTELLE: Ah keep quiet. FRANK: What are you trying to set my mouth on fire? GEORGE: I don't know what the reason could be.
[Jerry's Apartment] (Morty, Helen and Aaron enter) JERRY: (disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi. AARON: Ah Jerry you would not believe the time we had. HELEN: Aaron is quite the tour guide. MORTY: Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings? JERRY: Oh sure like Monet. MORTY: Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean nobody would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus. JERRY: Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday. MORTY: I say the guy was painting without his glasses. (phone rings) JERRY: (answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back. HELEN: Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read. JERRY: Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up) AARON: Well I should be going. HELEN: Oh thanks again. AARON & HELEN: Buh bye. (Kramer enters) AARON: Oh you must be Kramer (advances on Kramer to close to his face Kramer walks back into the fridge to avoid him and falls to the ground) I've heard about you. KRAMER: You must be Aaron, I've heard about you. AARON: (Laughing) Well see you later. KRAMER: Yeah. AARON: (leaving) Bye JERRY: Bye KRAMER: So uh what are you guys doing for dinner? HELEN: We have no plans. MORTY: (noticing Kramer's coat) Look at that, Helen do you see what he's wearing? That's the Executive. KRAMER: Now what is Executive? JERRY: The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it. MORTY: I sure did. Raincoats were my business. The Executive was a classic, these haven't been made in twenty years. HELEN: Why would they? Nobody bought them then. MORTY: He's wearing one. KRAMER: Yea these are a hot item over at Rudy's. MORTY: You don't say? You know I have boxes of those sitting in my garage in Florida? KRAMER: Get 'em up here. You give me twenty-five percent I-I'll take care of everything. MORTY: You gotta deal. (Kramer and Morty shake hands) KRAMER: Yaaaa. JERRY: This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson. MORTY: I'll call Jack Klompus, he's got a key to the garage. He can send them overnight delivery. HELEN: You're gonna first start shipping boxes? We're leaving for Paris in three days. MORTY: He'll send them express. HELEN: You're crazy. MORTY: I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats. JERRY: N-na I'm paying for the trip. MORTY: So much the better.
[Monk's] (George and Alec are sitting at the booth closest to the door) GEORGE: Anyway it's kind of a fluke thing but uh I'll be leaving for Paris in two days. I will send you a postcard when I get there. ALEC: Paris huh? GEORGE: Yea, ya..ya know I feel terrible about Joey but it's jus..it's a great business opportunity. I-I don't even know how long I'm gonna be away for. ALEC: Where will you stay? GEORGE: An apartment complex, the uh the Eiffel Towers. uumm Like I said uh you'll be getting a postcard uh in a few days and again I'm sorry. ALEC: George, you have no idea how fantastic this is. GEORGE: Fantastic? ALEC: Ya, we've been trying to reunite Joey with his father who lives in Paris. But he's afraid to fly alone, you know he's kinda withdrawn, but he seems to take to you. (George smiling in surprise) So it's a perfect solution. GEORGE: How gee what a coincidence. ALEC: And you'll send me a postcard.
[Elaine's Apartment] (Elaine and Aaron lying in bed) AARON: Helen really seemed to respond to Renoir. I think she really connected to the way he painted children. ELAINE: Mm hmm. AARON: And that Morty, I'll tell ya that guy is full of life. (laughs) He was convinced Monet was near sighted. I kept telling him ELAINE: Aaron AARON: Yes? ELAINE: Uh, let me ask you a question. How come you asked Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld to go to the museum with you? AARON: Well, they were in from out of town, I thought they would enjoy it. ELAINE: Uhuh, um you didn't feel uncomfortable spending the whole day at the museum with two complete strangers who were more than twice your age? AARON: No, it was fun. ELAINE: You had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld. AARON: Yea, they bought me a coke.
[Jerry's Apartment] (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER: So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY: I came home one night, and I tripped over one of Jerry's toys. (Jerry smiling points to himself and nods with cards in his hands) So I took out my belt just to threaten him, and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror. KRAMER: How serendipitous. MORTY: So that night I cut off the loops and the Executive was born. KRAMER: Mmm JERRY: He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play. KRAMER: Did you call Jack Klompus yet? MORTY: I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now. JERRY: Ah come on. MORTY: Just a second. (Goes to grab the phone) HELEN: Jerry have you seen Schindler's List? JERRY: No I haven't seen it yet. HELEN: Oh you have to go you have to JERRY: I'm going HELEN: You have to JERRY: Ok MORTY: (on the phone) Hello Jack. (Jack in Florida) JACK: Ya MORTY: It's Morty JACK: Who died? MORTY: Nobody died. Jack I want you to do me a big favor. (Jerry holding up some cards looking at his father) In my garage there are a couple of boxes. JACK: What boxes? MORTY: I'm gonna explain what boxes. JACK: Alright how the hell do I know? MORTY: Anyway there are these three big boxes, you can't miss them. I want you to ship them here to New York for me. JACK: I thought you're going to Paris MORTY: I'm still going to Paris. I got a big deal cooking here. JACK: What's in the boxes? MORTY: Raincoats. JACK: Raincoats? (Doris sighs) You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. HELEN: I guarantee you Doris is not letting him mail those boxes. JACK: When do you want these? MORTY: Send them tomorrow.
[Costanza House) (George, Estelle and Frank are sitting at the table for breakfast all still in what they slept in) ESTELLE: You think they're coming tonight? GEORGE: I dunno they said maybe. FRANK: Of course they're coming, they're leaving soon. If they don't come tonight they might not see us. ESTELLE: Well they better come, I got all this Paella. FRANK: I admire Morty and Helen going to France. We should take a trip, maybe a cruise. GEORGE: Yes a cruise, a long cruise, just the two of you. ESTELLE: Georgie what were you doing poking around the attic last night? GEORGE: I-I wasn't in the attic. ESTELLE: I heard noise. GEORGE: Maybe it was a mouse. FRANK: (jumping to his feet) OK that's it! We're moving! GEORGE: What? FRANK: I will not tolerate infestation. GEORGE: You haven't even seen one. FRANK: Don't you understand the very thought, the very idea, I'll never be comfortable again.
ESTELLE: All
right Frank that's enough. |